As is well known (indeed, advertised at left), the Gormogons are working tirelessly—though obviously none too effectively—for the imprisonment of Esperanto speakers, for reasons that are largely above you minions’ security clearance. The Czar suggests one here, but is he sincere or is this the type of fiendish black propaganda for which he is famed, succeeding in the Great Moon Hoax of 1835, the Ems Dispatch, and his marriage proposal to the Czaritsa? We know, but—typically—aren’t telling. (Careful readers may recall a splenetic screed by Confucius which appears to reveal some unguarded thoughts on the topic.)
So, Confucius received (via an interoffice envelope brought by an obviously recently-knouted Tcho-Tcho bellman) from the Czar the following piece of correspondence. It’s reproduced for your edification. The writer, «Sinjoro Libristo», repeats a plea for us to roll back our policy, based on the Pope’s use of Zamenhof’s fiendish argot.
Via moŝto (that’s your Highness, in Esperanto)
I appeal to you to drop your campaign to imprison Esperanto speakers. You may have noticed today that the Pope used Esperanto in his address. You are messing with powerful people. Go for the Volapük speakers instead.
Sincere haj humile via
First, «Sinjoro Libristo» is referred to the Volgi’s previous offer of amnesty in return for services in our previous Poŝtosako.
Second, the correspondent assumes His Holiness’s use of the language is an endorsement. We suggest, humbly, that it might be an unwitting false-flag operation to draw out Esperantists. Like the correspondent.
Third, completely unrelatedly, we would thank this unrepentant Esperantist for his address, which he helpfully provided. (However, since it appears to be down the road from some place called Dwygyfylchi, it’s obviously an imaginary realm dreamed up by Tolkien or George Martin or Jasper Fforde.)
Fourth, we note again the interesting attempt to redirect the wrath of the Gormogons onto the hapless Volapükels (at least he didn’t use the insulting term «volapukaĵo»). We seem to have stumbled into a covert battle between shady mondolingualist sects, and the Esperantists are clearly trying to manipulate us into doing their bidding. Foolish konspiristoj. We are the master manipulators. Tremble in your beds at why, just now, Sambahsa has emerged, or how the Uropi movement is infiltrating and subtly altering your morphology, not to mention the unholy alliance of Frater and Afrihili rumored to have been concluded at a SLORC-hosted summit meeting in Rangoon. Don’t think we’re going to bail you out.
Lastly, in an intemperate marginal scrawl, the Czar notes (near as Confucius can make out the fat-Sharpie Glagolitic) that your not referring to him as «Your Imperial Majesty» and making an implicit and unfavorable comparison about the might of «powerful people» relative to his own are, to his mind, prima facie lèse-majesté. What that usually means is that, as soon as he finishes smashing his Precious Moments® figurine collection to dust (and then tearfully ordering Dat Ho to order him replacements), he’ll probably be working his way through all the people with your surname in the phonebooks of the Anglosphere, knocking on their doors asking if they sent the e-mail.
Even though you’re an unrepentant Esperantist, Confucius advises you to say “no.”
Thank you for your kind missive. Shudder and obey.
孔夫子, Œc. Vol. Gorm.
Don’t ask impertinent questions like that jackass Adept Lu.