Miss the President’s speech today on the importance of budget control? So did the President. Here is, more or less, the text of the speech.

All right, listen up.

As you heard, nine-hundred billion experts recently rejected Paul Ryan’s proposed budget, which was defeated in Congress by about 600 to nothing. It was so bad, even he didn’t vote for it. Unlike my budget, which was accepted by seven or eight branches of government.

So why did he do it? Because he is a Republican, and they seek nothing less than the total destruction of the United States. These are facts, people. Go Google it, or Facebook it, or whatever it is you kids do.

Republicans intend to destroy the sun itself. They will reduce the earth to a shrunken ball of toxic colloids. If we were to pass their budget, wolves would leap out of your chests, killing you. And then the wolves would eat you because they would be so hungry. And you would be dead twice.

You think I’m exaggerating? You think I’m crazy? Right now, armies of Republicans are building a super weapon that will bury you in destruction. Unlike my budget, which reduced the entire national debt down to thirty five cents. And people—I got a quarter and a dime in my pocket right now. That’s right. I am going to foot the rest.

Because there is no debt problem. No crisis of spending. What we have a problem with is this crazy idea that taxes are bad. Taxes are good. Up is down. Backwards talking been have I lately. I can talk upside-down, and buıʞɐǝds uǝɥʍ sıɥʇ op uǝʌǝ uɐɔ ı, which the Republicans cannot even dream about. Crazy? Crazy? You think I’m mad? I’ll show you mad!

The CNN commentator agreed that Mitt Romney could never deliver so fine a speech.

Sigh. Remember when they all made fun of George Bush for incoherence?

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.