‘Puter spends a fair amount of his time frequenting Wegmans, as it is truly the happiest place on earth. If not the happiest place on earth, then certainly the happiest place in godforsaken Upstate.

So ‘Puter’s standing in the checkout line, pretending not to notice all the cute moms who wear their tight yoga pants and workout tops to grocery shop (even though many of them have never been anywhere near a gym/yoga studio/Curves). Seriously, ladies, don’t pretend you don’t want me to notice your figure if you’re wearing skin tight spandex and bending over directly in front of me.

Now where was ‘Puter? That’s right. Standing in the Wegmans checkout line. The woman in front of ‘Puter has a grocery cart and conveyor belt full of food, stuff ‘Puter doesn’t buy for himself because it’s either junk food or too danged expensive or both. The lady in front of me was paying for all her food with a combination of cash and an EBT card.

‘Puter was amused, then pissed off, realizing that this woman was purchasing junk food with his taxpayer money. ‘Puter thought it couldn’t possibly be that the government, particularly one whose First Lady is so focused on childhood obesity, would permit purchase of crap. Boy, was ‘Puter ever wrong. Apparently, SNAP (food stamps) can’t be used to buy booze, tobacco, hot prepared foods, paper products or supplement/hygiene products, but pretty much anything else goes. The USDA says:

Soft drinks, candy, cookies, snack crackers, and ice cream are food items and are therefore eligible items.

Seafood, steak, and bakery cakes are also food items and are therefore eligible items.

Great. So ‘Puter’s funding the layabouts’ Cheetos habit. If they were industrious, recipients could use your money to figure out how much Coke and Pop Rocks it takes to make them hurl (or explode, like Mikey). Soda and candy are on the USDA approved list.

And, heck, if the multi-generational welfare recipients could figure out how to cook it, taxpayers would be financing their lobster and swordfish habits as well. There’s nothing but common decency (less likely) and ignorance (the likely culprit) from preventing these purchases, and your government’s hunky dory with it.

So, after refocusing on the task at hand rather than the lovely distractions, ‘Puter got to thinking. Welfare recipients are nothing more than fully grown children, dependent of foolishly lavish and slightly senile Uncle Sam to meet their every need. In the legal world, we have a phrase for that relationship: in loco parentis. Essentially, the institution is acting in the place of the parent, with all concomitant rights and responsibilities.

Let’s apply this doctrine to the welfare recipient. Further, let’s make the assumption for this discussion only that the current level of benefits are wise, humane and just, not in any manner profligate.

1. Food stamps. A parent can tell a child what he can and cannot eat, simply by offering no other choices. Similarly, the government should have an exceptionally restricted list. Canned of frozen fruit, vegetables and legumes seems reasonable. Skim milk to drink, or 100% vegetable/fruit juice would be fine as well. For protein, the aforementioned legumes along with fresh or frozen ground beef and chicken would seem to do just fine.

Even better, rather than providing EBT cards, we should have recipients show up at the grocery store with ID, which will be run through a computer. The individual will then receive once a week a cart full of provisions geared to the caloric needs of each individual in their household. Let’s reintroduce some discomfort (and perhaps shame) into this process. We may find soon enough that people would find it preferable to find employ somewhere rather than eat –shudder — healthy food.

2. Subsidized Housing. This one’s easy. If ‘Puter’s paying for your house, as he is for his own children, he can consent to a search of their rooms. ‘Puter’s house, ‘Puter’s rules. Similarly, if you are living in government housing, the government has a right to enter your house at reasonable times just to look around and make certain everything’s up to snuff. If this search turns up evidence of a criminal activity, so be it. If you don’t like it, figure out a way to move to private quarters you pay for yourself. Beggars can’t be choosers.

3. Health Care. If you’re getting government health care, you get minimal service. You will be helped, but the government is free to make value judgments and provide minimal treatment. If you’re a 60 year old smoker with lung cancer, no treatment for you. Welcome to opiate based hospice care and an early grave. Need a kidney transplant at 75? Nope. Dialysis is cheaper. ‘Puter would, though, fund walk in clinics in poor neighborhoods to take strain off emergency departments. Heck, we’re already going this way anyway with Obamacare.

‘Puter’s not saying there is no government obligation to help those unable to care for themselves. ‘Puter thinks there is such an obligation. ‘Puter accepts his obligation to support the truly disabled, including those elderly who cannot work any longer.

‘Puter is saying, however, that America’s generosity has created multi-generational families comprised of otherwise able-bodied and able-minded nominal adults who have learned how to exist on the system without working. And it’s about time we put a stop to this.

America needs to bring back shame. Shame at being able-bodied and refusing to work.* Shame for living off your neighbors with no thought for them. Shame for your failures. Shame drives us to work harder, to better ourselves, to get off the dole. One should be ashamed, and shamed, to be a freeloader.

With a liberal application of in loco parentis and shame, ‘Puter’s plan might just be the next big thing.

*’Puter makes a distinction between the individual refusing to work and the individual who cannot find work. The latter should not be shamed, for he is likely ashamed to be on the dole in the first instance. However, after, say, 99 weeks, the latter transforms to the former. You can find or create your own job in two years. It’s time to get off your ass and do something.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.