Things ‘Puter Learned During His Hiatus
As all 4.3 billion readers of this site and all two of ‘Puter’s fans have surely noticed, ‘Puter’s been absent of late, except for the odd Twitter posting. ‘Puter’s been working on negotiating, papering and closing the sale of a portfolio of sub and non-performing loans.
In the course of the transaction, ‘Puter had to interact with seller’s counsel and purchaser’s counsel, as well as with the business principals on both sides.
Seller’s counsel is a contemporary of ‘Puter’s, born and raised south of the Mason-Dixon line. ‘Puter’s worked both with this specific counsel and her firm before. She is a savvy and pragmatic attorney who has also cut her teeth on these sorts of transactions. She has a thick Virginia accent, which is, for those not in the know, quite pleasant.
Purchaser’s counsel is about 7 years younger than ‘Puter, a Chicago native who left the cozy confines to move to New York City and work for a glamorous bit-named firm for large dollars. Her expertise is in papering collateralized mortgage backed securities (“CMBS“) transactions. If CMBS sounds familiar, it’s because those are the instruments Wall Street created to leverage your mortgage, slicing and dicing it into ever-smaller portions and selling the subprime instruments as “A” paper. Not that disguising riskier paper as gilt-edged would contribute to anything negative, like a massive housing bubble and subsequent nationwide economic coronary or anything. Purchaser’s counsel had never papered a deal like this before, but she assumed it would be no different from her big city, high powered CMBS securitizations.
Wrong.
And from there, hilarity ensues. Watch for tomorrow’s exciting installment, now with more banking regulation induced insanity! Also, ‘Puter uses swear words he didn’t know he even knew!
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.