Wow, thank goodness for audience participation. CNN allowed the crowd to jump in, and it was awesome when (a) Ron Paul led them in a call-response with “Bicycle Built For Two,” and (b) Rick Santorum had them conjugate amō, amās, amat, amāmus, amātis, amant several times while (c) Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney did full contact MMA-fighting in a fully fenced-in octagon.

Wolf Blitzer, whom the Цесаревич referred to as Wolf Schneiser, asked a mix of good and really painful questions. We should probably get onto that.

Not a great night for Newt Gingrich. If you like Newt, you will note he answered with his usual confidence and sound byte stingers. If you do not like Newt, you will agree he got hit from all three sides. The Czar thinks this was Gingrich’s weakest debate by far. He mustered much applause, but not as much as he has been getting. And he was clearly flummoxed when Ron Paul (no, seriously) said that he researched Gingrich’s claim about balancing the budget four times, and found that was never strictly true, but only technically true if you changed the definition of budget to exclude social security. Santorum hit Gingrich very hard on cap and trade and global warming (less effectively on healthcare, largely because Gingrich suddenly pivoted and announced Ron Paul had a better position). Romney jumped on Gingrich repeatedly over erratic and inflammatory language used in interviews. Overall, Newt Gingrich came off looking pretty well worn.

Gingrich’s absolute worst moment was when Santorum and Romney tag-teamed with a terrible knockout blow—Gingrich has consistently walked into every primary state and delivered a different, ridiculous multi-billion-dollar promise to those voters. Santorum said that if you add those up, there is no way he can avoid a massive government debt pileup; Romney said that this shows Gingrich simply makes stuff up to win voters, and has no sensible message to conservatives. Gingrich had no clear response other than to shrug and say he thought it was a candidate’s job to build big ideas and provide vision. This defense provoked little applause.

And who is this new Mitt Romney? His new debate coach is working, because Romney looked tougher by far, and much less willing to bend backwards. Unfortunately, he channeled this tough guy persona into some solid hits on Newt Gingrich, and was more than unprepared for another onslaught from Rick Santorum about Romneycare. The Czar thought for a moment that, when Santorum cited a study that one out of five residents of Massachusetts are receiving inadequate levels of healthcare due to costs, Romney was )this close( to saying “That’ bullshit!” He almost did, but checked himself at the b. Unfortunately, just as he did before, Santorum used Romney’s refutation to dump even more egregious examples of RomneyCare’s failings on the audience. The more Rick Santorum hit Mitt Romney, too, the more the audience applauded.

Santorum’s finest moment was when he tore a page out of Newt Gingrich’s playbook, and fired a cannon at Wolf Schneiser Blitzer. Wow, the Czar really mixed metaphors there. The point is that Rick Santorum lost his temper in a highly productive way.

For about ten solid minutes, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney badgered each other, back and forth, about each other’s finances. Gingrich hit Romney on his offshore accounts, while Mitt Romney peppered Gingrich with chides about his Freddie Mac consulting work really being lobbying. Blitzer asked Santorum what he thought, and Santorum said, in essence, (a) Newt Gingrich is an expert at Congressional politics, and took a paying job to provide them advice, which he was uniquely suited to do, (b) Mitt Romney is a legitimate success who earned his money legally, ethically, and paid all his taxes and donates a hell of a lot to charity, so (c) drop it already. Get to the questions that matter! Americans do not care about either story. Huge applause, and Gingrich delivered a visible thank you. Best line of the night, bar none.

Second best line was an insightful joke by Ron Paul. The question was what each candidate would say if he received a phone call from Raul Castro of Cuba; what would you tell him? Ron Paul had a quzzical look on his face and asked “Why would he be calling me?” In those six words, he took all the air out of a dumb question.

Worst question: should Puerto Rico become the 51st state? Santorum got to go first, and shut it right down. He explained that isn’t the President’s decision at all. In fact, there is a whole process carefully spelled out about how states join the union, starting right with whether Puerto Ricans want statehood. Then it goes from there. A ridiculous question, probably insulting to the thousands of other questions Puerto Ricans want answered first, because the President is the last step in the process, and in most ways the least critical.

All four of the candidates had their absolute best moment in an off-the-wall question about why each of their respective wives would make a good First Lady. Ron Paul treated the question with humor, and seemed exactly like the grandfather who makes a stunningly sweet and sensitive speech at an anniversary dinner. Mitt Romney described his wife with such pride over her triumphs over adversity that you saw there really is someone in Mitt’s world more important than him. Gingrich politely (but a bit awkardly given his history) stated that he is impressed by all of the candidates’ wives, but wrapped up with a very nice description of how much class his wife radiates. She looked stunning, by the way. And Rick Santorum, whose wife was at home with the kids, delivered a choked-up speech about how strong his wife was with all their kids, including the death of little Gabriel as well as the tribulations their daughter Bella is working through. The question was dumb, but the answers totally humanized each of these guys in a different way.

Winner? Hard to say: Ron Paul and Rick Santorum had outstanding nights; Mitt Romney looked very different, and very aggressive—too bad he squandered it playing verbal grab-ass with Newt Gingrich. And Gingrich, as we said, probably had his worst debate night so far. Too many of his oddball claims, promises, and on-the-record quips are coming up to haunt him, and both Romney and Santorum seem to know exactly how to throw him to the floor.

The next debate, which will probably be in ten more minutes the way they’ve been scheduling them, ought to be even more interesting.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.