The Czar has had a couple of requests over the last few months to skewer the Republican candidates to the same degree he has President Obama. Fair enough, although enough cumulative pixels have been spent here doing just that. So far, we have resisted the temptation to do so, but what the heck.

Mitt Romney has been exhaustively scrutinized to the point that writing anything new about him is difficult. So the Czar will suggest, but not exactly predict, that if elected, Romney will be one of the most painfully analyzed presidents ever. Remember how George W. Bush had every action or inaction reviewed by Democrats for evil intent? Romney will not only enjoy the same microscopy, but will receive more of it from Republican voters. They want to be sure they did not elect the wrong guy; he can expect very little honeymoon period. While there is little possibility that Romney could transform himself into a Ronald Reagan (“Used to be very liberal before he acted as a moderate and became a conservative”), there is a lot of evidence brewing—drummed up by the Romney camp, no doubt, but it has undergone a detailed fact-check—that he could at least return us to some measure of success as a country. We contrast this, of course, to the dark cloud of pessimism and divisive postures of the current administration. Obama loves being President but hates the job. Romney loves being a leader. That, indeed, can prove good and bad.

Newt Gingrich is a princess. While he enjoys American history, is skilled in rhetoric and has the roadmap to American politics memorized, he can be alternatively warm and abusive, clever and stubborn, helpful and an annoyance…often in the same minute. He likes things his way, and if you don’t agree, the foot-stamping tantrum begins. He certainly likes the finer things in life and relishes being pampered. He probably would make a very good president, but might only get one term out of it. If nominated, he very likely will not be able to pick a running mate out of the existing pool of candidates: he has alienated too many of them with his spoiled, aristocratic tone.

Rick Santorum is a nice enough guy, it seems. He is acutely aware of his weaknesses and is more critical of himself than the press or his opponents have been. And those faults, to be blunt, are fairly mild. He certainly seems to have a plan for action, and during the last debate, Mitt Romney admitted live that Santorum was right about a potential weakness in Romney’s own plan for entitlement reform. So why aren’t people catching on to him? Probably because Santorum touts himself as a die-hard conservative; this is turning away a lot of the cross-over voters who are afraid of voting for a caricature of a conservative. They want a more grandfatherly, easy-going guy; and as a result, Romney appeals to a lot of people. And maybe that’s just it: Santorum has the fire and brains to be president, but he seems too much like a high school English teacher in appearance. Were this 1988, he would be a shoe-in against Dukakis. But against President Obama, Americans are leaning toward a reassuring, confident turnaround guy.

Ron Paul is a delusional fool who probably has no idea why someone would boo him. His message is catching on, but with the wrong types of people. Did you know, for example, that a large proportion of his supporters voted for President Obama in the last election? And who may not vote for him at all in November? And despite his claims that he receives more money than the other candidates from military personnel, the reality is that he has little overall support from active and veteran personnel? He will be moving on to tougher and tougher states, and we should see his support erode. How more preferable it would be if he dropped out of the race and the real supporters embraced one of the others? Paul’s supporters are routinely written off by the press as either whackos or disenfranchised college kids. A real study of the people behind Ron Paul would be far more interesting, if not alarming. Suffice it to say, Paul has contributed a lot of serious thought into the campaign, and has definitely prevented worse candidates from running by pulling the topics to the right and holding them there. But the Czar keeps hearing Rick Santorum’s warning about Ron Paul: “Everything conservatives love about him, he can’t accomplish; everything they fear about him, he can do day one.”

Rick Perry is a great example of the Peter Principle. He has been, and is, an effective governor in Texas, and has done a lot of great things there. Yes, critics, he has also taken credit for a lot of fantastic things there put in place by his predecessor (remember George W. Bush?), but successfully managing the transition to success is also noteworthy: a lot of successors screw up the good things started by their predecessor (remember George H. W. Bush?). Yet, despite the mastery of Texas-sized politics, he clearly isn’t ready to be a president. The people have looked at him and realized that he might be a better governor than a president; certainly Texas thinks so—he is polling quite far behind Romney there. Governor Perry, you have already announced that no matter what happens in South Carolina, you intend to press on. Please give your votes to Rick Santorum, so that he can displace Newt Gingrich. And when Newt folds, they can go to Santorum as well and the Ron Paul crowd can see a real alternative to Mitt Romney. Rick Perry will not be the cause of a Mitt Romney nomination, but he is the first keystone.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.