As our readers know, ain’t none of your Gormogons all too pleased with the composition of the Republican presidential candidate pool, least of all ‘Puter. But, like it or not, it’s appearing more and more likely to ‘Puter that Romney’s going to be the nominee.
And for those of you Castle newcomers, you can just shut your mewling yaps about ‘Puter being a RINO. ‘Puter’s no RINO, he’s a realist.
Let’s take a quick gander at the non-Romney top contenders: Cain, Perry and Gingrich.
Herman Cain is a hot mess. He’s a charismatic guy with undeniable and significant business experience. He’s also the guy who asks us to believe that he’ll surround himself with knowledgeable advisers to help him formulate policies on complex topics, like foreign relations. On the surface, this is completely rational, as it’s what such presidents as Reagan and Kennedy did. Until you factor in that Cain hired his current staff of colossally inept campaign geniuses who ineptly botched Cain’s Clintonesque “bimbo eruption.” And, speaking of bimbo eruptions, lest we forget, Cain stands accused (yes, by some anonymous and some incredible accusers) of sexual harassment. ‘Puter doesn’t know how that plays in your house, but middle of the road Mrs. ‘Puter doesn’t cotton to a candidate who stands accused of using his power to extract sexual favors from women. So, ‘Puter’s betting that a large portion of middle of the road suburban women (the ones Cain will need to, let’s say, actually win), will stay home or vote for Obama. Cain is not electable, no matter how much you may wish otherwise.
What to write about Gov. Rick Perry? On paper, he’s undeniably run Texas well for years. He’s run strong campaigns, and he knows how to politically infight. But, after watching him tank in several debates (last night’s was better by the low bar Perry’s set for himself), it is not reasonable to think that he’s remotely ready to be president. If George W. Bush was painted as an idiot by the press, what do you think the media’s going to do with gaffe-tastic Perry? Say what you will about President Obama, but he can debate. Obama would cut Perry from clavicle to pelvis and feast on his entrails in a debate, have no doubt about that. Further, Texas politics is notoriously dirty, both figuratively (bribery and corruption) and literally (oil, gas). ‘Puter’s betting we haven’t yet seen a small fraction of the opposition research the liberal media’s already dug up on Perry, waiting for his nomination.
Speaker Newt Gingrich is smart, and is without a doubt the most politically knowledgeable of any candidate running, Republican or Democrat. In fact, Gingrich’ll tell you he’s the smartest person in the room, loudly. With Venn diagrams and flow charts explaining why you’re a doofus. This an amusing quality when turned on his media interlocutors in debates, but it’s not so cute when unleashed on his nominal friends. Gingrich is not a likable fellow. You don’t need to be likable to be president (see, e.g., John Adams, Richard Nixon), but it certainly helps. Further, Gingrich’s multiple wives (consecutively, not concurrently) give ‘Puter pause. There is something unseemly about his trading his wives in for newer models every few years. Sure, it’s societally acceptable nowadays, but is it really something we want our president to be known for? We’re not France, after all.
Every remaining candidate is an also ran.
Huntsman is much beloved by MSNBC’s pundits. Unfortunately for Huntsman (and for MSNBC), every single MSNBC talking head is a far left harridan. Except Joe Scarborough, who’s center right, with some heretical opinions, and maybe Mike Barnicle, who’s old school Democrat. And Democrats don’t generally get to vote in Republican primaries, and sure as heck aren’t abandoning Obama for a Mormon from Utah, no matter how benign he may appear. Mormons are religious and believe in a divinely mandated right and wrong distinction, which doesn’t play well in Manhattan. Trust ‘Puter on this.
Bachmann is out of her depth, and the same is true of Santorum. Nothing much more needs be said about them. If enough supporters write in a vain attempt to correct ‘Puter, ‘Puter will happily explain in detail why this is so, but he’s not wasting his precious pixels in this forum.
And that’s all of the candidates. What? ‘Puter missed one? Ron Paul you say? Ron Paul is not a candidate. He’s an A-1 nut boy. Ron Paul is a few hard tacos short of a Party Pack
If you write in to extol Ron Paul’s chances, or belittle ‘Puter for not taking him seriously, so help ‘Puter God, he’s going to unleash GorT’s cyber warfare countermeasures on your weak rear end. Ron Paul is everyone’s crazy Uncle Bob, who’s lucid about two hours a day. Catch him in those two hours, he makes sense. But most of the time, Uncle Bob wanders the streets in a bathrobe, wearing a tin foil hat, and holding a toilet plunger aloft screaming “by the power of Greyskull” until he goes hoarse. For the Paulistas, ‘Puter will say it slowly, so they can write it down in crayon for their “list of very bad people who don’t like Ron Paul (PBUH).”
Ron. Paul. Is. Not. Electable.
Also, according to the New York Times
, Buddy Roemer and Gary Johnson are also Republican candidates. Huh. Who knew? Not ‘Puter, that’s for sure. ‘Puter’s guessing you didn’t know either.
But ‘Puter digresses. This post is about Mitt Romney, and his path to the White House. Here’s the speech Romney needs to give to win the nomination and the White House.
My fellow Republicans, I know there are many of you in this audience who don’t believe I am sufficiently conservative to bear the party’s standard. I admit my past actions have given you reason to doubt my conservative credentials. But, as you also know, I am our party’s likely nominee, and the candidate with the best chance to beat President Obama in 2012.
To assuage your concerns, I make you the following promise. Except in case of national emergency, my entire term will be dedicated to righting the American economy. I will sign no legislation except that which is directly related to improving the American economy.
This means I will take no action on social issues. I will take no action on gun controls. I will take no action on eminent domain.
I will work with Speaker Boehner and our new Republican Senate Majority Leader to repeal Obamacare in toto, giving them such support as they may request. I will press Congress, Republicans and Democrats alike, to reform entitlements, as entitlement reform is essential to every man, woman and child in this country. I will press Congress to increase the flow of domestic oil, and to decrease the governmental flow of anti-business regulations. I will spend day after day demanding a restructure of the tax code, fair to all Americans.
As noted, each of the most pressing domestic issues facing our country is economic, and I am the candidate most qualified to tackle these issues.
Further, I will create a kitchen cabinet of conservative leaders to advise me on judicial nominations. I pledge to you not to nominate any person to a lifetime tenure judicial post who is not recommended to me by these people.
Time is short. You must decide. I have pledged to press only those issues on which you profess to trust me. I have pledged to ignore all other issues. Together, with your support, we can win the White House, and restore American greatness for all Americans. Or, you can stubbornly insist on absolute ideological purity and re-elect President Obama.
Meet me half-way, and let’s move forward together to a Republican White House and Congress in 2012.
God bless each of you, God bless America, and good night.
At least that’s the speech ‘Puter would give if he were in Romney’s shoes. It’s Romney’s only hope.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.