Several thousand years ago, the Czar predicted what Obama would resort to in his speech tonight. How did the Czar do?

An assurance that he feels the pain, and he knows Americans are hurting. Obama: “But the millions of Americans who are watching right now: they don’t care about politics. They have real life concerns. Many have spent months looking for work. Others are doing their best just to scrape by — giving up nights out with the family to save on gas or make the mortgage; postponing retirement to send a kid to college.”

A gripe about politics as usual being at the heart of it. Obama: “The question is whether, in the face of an ongoing national crisis, we can stop the political circus and actually do something to help the economy.”

A statement that both parties are to blame for this. But mostly Republicans. Obama: “This expands on the tax cut that Democrats and Republicans already passed for this year. If we allow that tax cut to expire — if we refuse to act — middle-class families will get hit with a tax increase at the worst possible time. We cannot let that happen. I know some of you have sworn oaths to never raise any taxes on anyone for as long as you live. Now is not the time to carve out an exception and raise middle-class taxes, which is why you should pass this bill right away.”

Him to say he will be perfectly clear, and/or that we should make no mistake about it. Obama: “And here’s the other thing I want the American people to know: the American Jobs Act will not add to the deficit. It will be paid for…And I’m pretty sure I know what most Americans would choose. It’s not even close.”

Class warfare propaganda about “the Rich.” Obama: &#147It’s a balanced plan that would reduce the deficit by…reforming our tax code in a way that asks the wealthiest Americans and biggest corporations to pay their fair share.”

An announcement of new programs to help Americans get back to work. Obama: “I am sending this Congress a plan that you should pass right away. It’s called the American Jobs Act.”

A weird comment that winds up being a badly delivered joke. Obama: “Right now, Warren Buffet pays a lower tax rate than his secretary.”

A classic false choice about Americans needing to decide between Listening to Obama and simply watching the whole country fall into the shitter. Obama: “Pass this jobs bill, and we can put people to work rebuilding America. Everyone here knows that we have badly decaying roads and bridges all over this country. Our highways are clogged with traffic. Our skies are the most congested in the world. This is inexcusable. Building a world-class transportation system is part of what made us an economic superpower. And now we’re going to sit back and watch China build newer airports and faster railroads? At a time when millions of unemployed construction workers could build them right here in America?”

A reminder that government is the answer. Obama: “In fact, this larger notion that the only thing we can do to restore prosperity is just dismantle government, refund everyone’s money, let everyone write their own rules, and tell everyone they’re on their own — that’s not who we are. That’s not the story of America.”

Statements that initially appear to support the small business owner, but ultimately offer no help to small business owners at all. Obama: “Everyone here knows that small businesses are where most new jobs begin. And you know that while corporate profits have come roaring back, smaller companies haven’t. So for everyone who speaks so passionately about making life easier for ‘job creators,’ this plan is for you.”

A reference or two to some Conservative or Republican ideal, in hopes this makes him biparisany. Obama: “Fifty House Republicans have proposed the same payroll tax cut that’s in this plan. You should pass it right away.”

Why, it’s almost like he follows some sort of…template, no?

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.