Mentsch Tracht, Gott Lacht
Here’s an interesting little column from The Washington Post’s Michael Gerson.
Mr. Gerson writes to show how willing liberal elites, particularly those in media, are to paint anyone religious as a crackpot bent on imposing Christian theocracy on America.
What is not mentioned in the piece, but what ‘Puter considers essential, is liberals’ absolute blindness to their own belief in government as God.
Try this experiment. Find your most liberal friend, if you have any left. Raise any social issue on which a major Christian denomination has a position (poverty, care of the elderly, wealth, etc.), and discuss it with that person. ‘Puter’s betting that in a matter of minutes, if not sooner, the person will start speaking reverentially of government’s special place as the necessary provider of beneficence on such groups. Next, mention you think such issues are the proper province of religion/private charities, not government, and watch the venom spew.
Liberals’ visceral hatred of religion, stemming from their unrecognized deification of government, is perhaps the single most important reason they are doomed to lose the Heartland and the South.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.