Enclosed, please find our check to renew our subscription to your magazine for another year. The Czar wishes it known that your graphics artists are outstanding, and they do have a knack for capturing complex scientific information in an easy-to-understand approach.
The Czar also wants you to know that he tends to skip over quite a few articles each month, particularly those that are leftist feel-good rants that have nothing to do with the hard or soft sciences. We especially enjoy the articles that endorse global warming, take potshots at organized religion, decry any motion away from green technology, or underscore a desire for taxpayer-funded healthcare under the guise of actual science. Part of the fun each month is determining whether you really mean it, or just want to jump around and holler in the echo chamber.
Take for example last month, in which you went on and on about biodiversity, and how America is poisoning the world with phosphorus, and if we just embraced a vegan lifestyle, we could end the problem once and for all. You know, the Czar passed a tiny little shitbox car on the expressway the other day that had a pro-vegan bumper sticker on the back, and he was not at all surprised at the wretched physical condition of the woman driving. Thank goodness she stayed awake long enough on her bean curd diet to avoid swerving into his lane. But really, those poor beans suffered terribly, no?
Or when you had a great travelogue on the Finnish people, and how they are just so much better than Americans because they can get fifty-six free doctor visits a month. Superb, especially when they seem to be desperately unemployed and are only going to the doctor to get the lollipops, since of course that is the most sugar they might see all month.
And so on. The Czar is happy to note that a few years back, you were a respected publication that had solid articles written in a severe Times Roman font. Then you went to an Arial font, or something, and the tone of the articles changed. And maybe we are wrong, but the average issue went from 80 pages of news with 60 pages of ads, to 40 pages of news with 20 pages of ads. Way to go! Now the Czar can read your stuff in half the time with less interruption. He saw the same thing happen to newspapers, just before most of them completely folded up, origami-style, into the shape of a bum with his hand out.
Enjoy your last few years of issues. The Czar enjoys most of them.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.