Here are some facts that did not exist before last week. The Czar wants you to notice these patterns happening in the media right now, because this is what they are trying to sell you.

1. Michele Bachmann, as of this week, has always been at war with gay people. Sarah Palin is dumb, you see, but not Bachmann—no, Bachmann is purely a hater. Not at all the same kind of stupid as Palin. In fact, you would be wrong to suggest that we hate them because they are smart women who work hard and succeed largely because they embrace conservative views. Very wrong. Because they are different: Palin is dumb, and Bachmann hates gay people. See? Another reference to her hating gay people, so it must be substantiated by this point.
2. America is getting so tired of these superhero movies. Yes, they encourage people, especially Americans, to take a stand for good against evil, and most of them have a pro-America theme. But enough already. Look how the Green Lantern movie fizzled at number 1, and that X-Men movie is barely turning an enormous profit. We really need to get back to movies about lesbians and homophobes.
3. The stimulus never happened. All the current economic woes must surely still be blamed on the Bush administration. Look, here is another poll showing how belief that Bush wrecked everything is increasing! Sure, it shows that more people also think Obama is responsible, but never mind: look at how Blaming Bush is increasingly popular again.
4. Gosh, the president is starting to take a little flack from the groups who got him elected. On the other hand, has anybody seen that nice Mitt Romney fellow? Now there is someone we could easily live with if he got elected president. Not that dumb Palin or homophobic Bachmann.
5. FoxNews is becoming progressively more venomous in its unwarranted attacks on anything Democratic.
6. In the next couple of months, Robert Gates will soon be considered incompetent, out-dated, and ultimately not worth listening to. It will have nothing to do with his blistering critique of President Obama’s military and foreign policy incompetence, but everything to do with his years of loyal, dedicated service to his country.

And you cannot say you were not warned.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.