One is E.J. Dionne, the other is a hole in the ground.

How can one not hate all over E.J. Dionne and his opinion piece in today’s Washington Post? In his column, Mr. Dionne makes the following spoken and/or unspoken assumptions:

1. The economy will be cured by another stimulus package. ‘Puter bets Mr. Dionne fervently believes that “more cowbell” is the prescription for what ails the economy. However, this belief had the unfortunate problem of having been disproven by experience. Mr. Dionne can continue to advocate for the Democrats’ flat earth economic programs, but don’t expect people to follow.

2. Republicans will filibuster all Democrat proposals in the Senate, regardless of merit. How about Republicans will filibuster any Democrat proposal that they believe will further damage the economy. For example, ‘Puter’s betting more green energy money and quantitative easing three are probably not on the Republicans’ front burner. Not because Republicans are narrow minded anti-government bastards, but rather because Democrats’ ideas have failed. Repeatedly.

3. Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is a level-headed moderate. Sen. Schumer is one of ‘Puter’s senators, and as a constituent ‘Puter knows Sen. Schumer. He’s pro-abortion, pro-big government and pro-himself. Sen. Schumer has never seen a problem that can’t be solved by increased federal legislation or regulation. A moderate he is not.

4. Permitting people to keep their money (i.e., reducing taxes/lowering spending) is crazy talk.

5. Tax policy should be used to push political ends. A tried and true liberal idea that distorts markets and was at least partially responsible for the economy cratering in the first place.

6. All Republicans are willing to screw over America in order to gain electoral advantage. ‘Puter smells projection here.

7. Spending cuts will harm the economy, rather than reduce uncertainty and foster growth.

8. The auto bailout was a great thing, and should be a point of pride for the Obama Administration. In reality, the auto bailout was a travesty for the rule of law, which Mr. Obama blithely ignored on his way to cram down bond creditors in favor of unions.

If this is what passes for high-level Democrat thinking, the Republicans actually have a better chance in 2012 than ‘Puter expected.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.