Borepatch, whom you read every day, right?, found and posted this.
Not safe for work, although you will probably share it with your co-workers anyway, due to the graphic language from a cute widdle princess who got bum-rushed from the Alamo Drafthouse Theater for texting on her cell phone (although it appears she was actually using her phone like a high wattage flashlight up and down the aisles).
The customer is not always right.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.