Well, the mailbag was sure full today. It takes a few minutes to decode some of your clever rebuses and steganographs into meaningful words and sentences, but it’s always worth it.

First up is JTS, who is training a team of cats to colonize Saturn’s moon Titan, once they warm it up a notch:

From the plains of Tartary, some thoughts on GOP candidates from Lord JTS:

1. I would wet my pants if there was a Christie/Ryan ticket, but it’s not happening. Ryan just won’t leave Congress at this point in his career (plus he has no executive experience) and Christie can’t stop telling anyone who will listen he doesn’t want to run. Let Christie keep reforming NJ and he’ll ripen into a great candidate for 2016.
2. The other issue with Christie (I don’t know about Ryan) is that he is squishy on immigration, which will be an issue for Tea Partiers and GOP primary voters.
3. I think you ignore Huckabee at your peril – the guy is articulate and can play well to both social conservatives and independents (by claiming he likes to spend money on the children). I think the problem with his candidacy is that he is not a Tea Party guy and is weak on fiscal issues.
4. My own love affair is with the Governor next door – Mitch Daniels – Harley riding, budget-cutting, policy-detail loving successful Governor. Again, like Christie he is squishy on immigration (and infamously social issues) but I think he can finesse both issues and contrast himself nicely with Obama.
5. I know it is sort of crazy, but what about Herman Cain? The optics are good and like Daniels, he contrasts nicely with Obama – the downside is he doesn’t have a public service track-record.

That’s all for now oh great and powerful Czar—please don’t send in the Cossacks until you’ve carefully considered all of my points.

All right, two can play at that game, Mr. Fancy Ennumerated List!

1. Ryan probably would not leave Congress, although there is a better possibility of that than Christie leaving New Jersey. The latter has been adamant that he has no presidential intentions for 2012. And that actually is the beauty of our genius: make him vice-president. That way he won’t be a liar.
2. Is Christie squishy on immigration? Some facts exist.
3. Huckabee is likeable, sure. But popular? The Tea Party straw poll puts him at 15th. Not so hot, as you say, although he, too, is trying to play the Tea Party circuit. Among mainstream Republicans, Huckabee can never seem to escape third place—not a good showing pre-primary. Just like last time. He seems mired to place, forever.
4. Mitch Daniels could move up in popular opinion, but his cover was blown a bit when he publicly waffled about the public sector unions. And by waffled, we mean that he came out in favor of them. When that blew up, he made the mistake of having a spokesperson say “What the governor meant was that he is against them.” We are inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, but that is a bad mistake too early in the game. He still has time to do damage control/
5. Herman Cain doesn’t stand a chance—the media will paint him as a racist. No, we jest: of course, he isn’t. But neither do we jest! [Make up your goddamned mind, Czar—ed] The attacks on Cain will be hundreds of times worse than the poison spewing about Justice Thomas. Although he is clearly a savvy businessman, he lacks foreign policy experience, and might not have the necessary political acument to survive Washington, DC.

Meanwhile, JAB writes in with this to say on the subject of cats:

Your Czarness:

Just stopped by the Castle and wanted to say thanks for the grins & giggles!

LOVED, just loved, your take on a potential John Bolton presidency. It brought me to mind of a great scene from one of my favoritest movies, Raising Arizona. Remember the scene where the evil-biker-from-Hell, played by Tex Cobb guns his chopper on the deserted highway and scoops up baby Arizona, sitting there in his safety-seat in the middle of the road? (Tip to all parents—child safety seats work better when they’re put into the car rather than put on the TOP of the station wagon!)

Well, maybe John Bolton couldn’t quite pull off the total look, but the walrus-mustache is a start and he can always add the bloodstains later. However, I can sorta see Sarah Palin as Holly Hunter, striding forward yelling, “Gimme back that baby, you warthog from Hell.”

A minor quibble, if I may. I think you were mean to liken Mitt (with 2 T’s) Romney to a “cold fish.” It’s just not fair to cold fish everywhere. Another problem for Mitt (with 2 T’s), is that after 4 years of a President who has always been the smartest person in every room he’s ever entered, our fellow citizens might be somewhat resistant to the type.

Well, now I’m off to buy me some of that biodegradable rebar!

Yours from the Doublewide, JAB

Ah, we love ya right back, JAB! The Czar may be an almost 750-year-old psychopath, but he does like the odd fan letter. And JAB is indeed an odd fan. May he days be sunny and blessed.

Dr. J also wrote in on the rather bizarre subject of cats:

Dread and Awful Czar,

Dr. J. had this conversation driving the little intern (age 9) home from school while listening to Mark Levin on the radio.

Little Intern: President Obama isn’t very smart…

Dr. J.: Now sweetie, we shouldn’t speak about the president that way. We should respect the office. Besides, he was smart enough to be elected president.

Little Intern: But he isn’t smart enough to be president. I’m just sayin’…

Thought you would get a chuckle.

Best,
Dr. J.

Racism. Everywhere. Even among cats.

Not printed here are a dozen good emails from JTS (see above), who has a bunch of great question-and-answer sessions going with the Czar. About cats, it seems. We are seeing an odd pattern here, and patterns are always conspiracies.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.