‘Puter has several liberal friends who have spent the last couple of weeks berating ‘Puter for the House Republicans’ proposed cuts to, among other things, Planned Parenthood and LIHEAP. ‘Puter’s friends are outraged — outraged! — that ‘Puter could be for such cuts. So ‘Puter coyly cocks his head and asks them what specific programs totaling $60 billion they propose cutting, in lieu of their favorites.
After sputtering about defense and Iraq and it’s all BUSHITLERCHENEYBURTON’S FAWLT!1!!!1 President Obama is in this mess, because he’s really swell if you’d just give him a chance, they have no answer.
Wait. ‘Puter takes that back. Their answer is to raise taxes on the rich.
In the immortal words of John Fogerty, “and when you ask them how much should we give, they only answer more, more more!” Just so long as it’s yours, and not theirs, they’re giving away.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.