You may have heard that Frito-Lay’s is pulling a television ad from the Super Bowl that involved a Catholic priest administering Doritos in lieu of the Eucharist because, well, evidently Catholics get offended by the weirdest things. Imagine.

Needless to say, it is the correct move. And, the Czar might add, it is refreshing to see someone taking this seriously. Normally, only Muslims get this sort of respect for their religious beliefs. Heck, there are no shortages of bad jokes about rabbis eating pork, but Holy Communion is something ya just don’t mess with.

But the oddest thought struck the Czar. Catholics, as he understands it, believe that Holy Communion requires the transubstantiation of the bread into the actual body of Christ. In simpler terms, the communion wafer fully becomes the real presence of God, and ceases to become bread.

And if that is so, why couldn’t a priest transubstantiate a Dorito into the actual body of Christ? No, not in the mocking way Frito-Lays did it, but in a genuine way. After all, if a priest can transform a bread wafer into God, is it that much harder to take a bread-like chip and perform the same feat?

So the Czar opted to do what so few Catholics do when struck by an operations question: ask an actual priest.* And the Czar received an answer:

A priest may only use bread made from wheat-flour and water only. The East (Byzantines and Orthodox Christians) use leavened bread, while we Roman Catholics do not. Nothing more than flour and water is allowed—anything extra (besides leaven) makes it invalid matter, and so unable to become the Eucharist. Just like the wine must be from grapes and actually wine (not simply grape juice) in order to be transubstantiated.

People have tried other stuff, or suggested other things, and that’s why we have these rules. Note that I said “invalid” and not “illegal”—it’s not only prohibited to use Doritos, it’s impossible for it to become the Eucharist. This is because we use what Christ used: the Passover bread was just plain old bread and unleavened (the East uses leaven because of their theology of leaven versus ours), and the wine was just simple wine with nothing more, yet fermented (unlike Protestant grape juice).

I hope this answers your question in a dry and boring fashion.

God Bless

It most certainly does. And thanks!

*Alternatively, the Czar could do what ‘Puter’s pals do, and simply make up an answer that goes along with their preferences and tell ‘Puter he’s wrong for relying on established theology.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.