Charlie Sheen has been admitted to the hospital, suffering severe abdominal pains, apparently the result of an all-night drug-fueled bender with a couple of chippies. ‘Puter wishes Mr. Sheen a quick recovery, and success in besting his multiple addictions.
Although Mr. Sheen is pathetic, as most unreformed addicts are, he is not the focus of ‘Puter’s ire. Unlike Mr. Sheen who is seemingly unable to help himself, those around him have chosen to look the other way, as Mr. Sheen continues to function just enough to make them money. Just read the article linked and read the lame excuses.
Hollywood, CBS and everyone on Two and a Half Men can bite ‘Puter’s love hog. You are watching a grown man slowly but surely kill himself, yet you continue to use him to enrich yourselves. Like Natalie Cole and Ron Reagan, Jr., you are riding a corpse to riches.
Sure, you’ve probably had loving (or stern) conversations with him about his destructive behavior. Just enough to be able to live with yourselves. But nothing’s changed. Everyone knows that cutting off Mr. Sheen’s cash flow, that is, putting the show on hiatus or kicking him off altogether, is what he desperately needs. Yet you remain content to let a man die so you can make a buck.
Mr. Sheen may be gravely ill, but everyone else associated with this tragedy is morally dead.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.