First Thoughts on First Thoughts
The ever timely Uncle Jay writes in concerning ‘Puter’s early morning foray into French literature:
Most highly regarded ‘Puter-
May your core ram cache always stay refreshed!)In regard to the concept of Dans ce pays-ci, il est bon de tuer de temps en temps un amiral pour encourager les autres. On a recent trip to Shanghai as a bodyguard for some VIPs, I learned the phrase 杀鸡儆猴 [sha ji jing hou] (which the Œcumenical Volgi would know and *might* tell you, that although sometimes attributed to Mao Zedong, actually predates him by many many years), a similar warning – Literally “kill the chicken to scare the monkey”…
Why I learned it?
During the course of my duties, I had to forcibly “remove” one of my domestic staff, who were warned that if they asked for autographs or photos with our principals, they would be immediately fired and removed from the site…One individual decided to test my resolve and got an autograph and was posing with one of our VIPs for a cell phone photo.When he landed 10′ outside the main gate on his ass, one of my local police escorts gave a thumbs-up and said “sha ji jing hou”, which I heard repeated several times that afternoon…When I finally learned the translation, I was amused and gratified that the message was being passed on…
One hopes that the current crop of Congressmen & Senators take a similar hint…
‘Puter is a big fan of multiculturalism. Particularly where it involves the universal lanugage of throwing the unwelcome out on their ample rear ends.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.