The King is Dead
Long live the King!
On this day in 1977, Elvis A. Presley shuffled off his mortal coil while relieving himself in an upstairs bathroom at Graceland. It was actually the 10 drug cocktail coursing through his veins that did him in, not the act of relieving himself.
It’s a familiar rock story: star laid low by drugs. However, it was an unfitting end for a man who gave selflessly of his time and money to all around him.
If you get a chance to go to Graceland, you really ought to go. ‘Puter’s been there, and it was awesome not only for the kitschiness, but also because Elvis’ life story is so danged inspiring. Seriously.
* ‘Puter notes without additional comment that “Fat Elvis” pictured above would be on the left hand side of the weight curve in today’s society. Heck, Fat Elvis is thinner than the majority of folks ‘Puter sees in frequent forays to his WalMart, male or female.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.