Consumers Against Supermarket Privacy Invasion and Numbering (“CASPIN”), a group probably numering in the tens of tens, has its collective undies in a bunch over WalMart’s plan to track its inventory using RFID technology.

Forgive ‘Puter’s skepticism, but he doubts that this somehow amounts to “a first piece of a very large and very frightening tracking system.” Maybe if WalMart started bar code tattooing ‘Puter and his kids and set up cameras in ‘Puter’s house to track his habits, he would agree that the system was “very frightening.” If you are frightened by a low cost retailer streamlining its inventory process in order to increase profits and better serve its shoppers, then you need to get out more.

What’s the big worry here? WalMart’s going to know what size undies you wear, or how many half gallons of Haagen-Dazs you suck down weekly? Don’t you think they can already pull that data? You don’t think they have extensive credit card records cross indexed to your purchases? How about all the in store surveillance footage? They could probably track even cash purchasers if they wanted. While it may be embarrassing for ‘Puter to have his Cheezy Poof and vodka consumption known to the local inventory manager, it’s no direct assault on his zone of privacy. ‘Puter proudly chooses to shop at WalMart.

‘Puter has a choice, along with all the shrinking violets over at Privacy Under Sustained Scrutiny Is Extremely Suspect, or CASPIN, or whatever the heck they call themselves. Shop at WalMart and live with the technology or go elsewhere to get your $5 Bucket O’ Margarita mix.

This is hardly Big Brother using oppressive government to mold unquestioning obedience. And pretending otherwise does not make you Winston Smith. In fact, pretending otherwise makes you like the 40 year old people dressed like elves and pirates ‘Puter ran into this weekend at his local Renaissance Fair.

Grow up.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.