Gormogonicon 2010 kicks off today, and ‘Puter will not be in attendance. ‘Puter fully intended to be present, along with Mrs. ‘Puter, ‘Puter Jr. and Emergency Backup ‘Puter. ‘Puter went so far as to shell (back in September 2009) out a non-refundable $350 on a hotel room for his clan at the undisclosed location.
But life has a funny way of changing plans. As regular readers know, ‘Puter reinjured his L4-L5 disc, which makes it difficult to remain in any one position for a lengthy period of time. It’s better, but not right. As Mrs. ‘Puter’s unavailable to assist in driving duties (see below), this makes the approximately 12 hour drive to the undisclosed location undoable at this time. ‘Puter looked into airfare, but at the late date, it was going to be approximately $2,000 round trip, and at the moment, ‘Puter just can’t swing that scratch.
The largest reason, however, for ‘Puter missing Gormogonicon 2010 is that Mrs. ‘Puter received an unexpected opportunity. She’s gone for a period of 10 days, which unfortunately overlapped with Gormogonicon. The opportunity involves an education program at NASA in Houston, which is a once in a lifetime opportunity for her. So, good for Mrs. ‘Puter, bad for ‘Puter.
It pains ‘Puter not to be in attendance for any number of reasons. Most importantly, ‘Puter regrets not being able to meet Czar and Mandarin. You read that right. Czar and Mandarin have never met ‘Puter and GorT in person. Only Your Volgi knows each of us on sight, which, ideally, is how a conspiracy of this magnitude should operate. It further pains ‘Puter that he will be unable to pay proper tribute to Your Volgi in his most regal abode.
‘Puter will pour out one of his many 40s on the curb this weekend in silent tribute to his Gormogon brethren and the awesomeness that will be Gormogonicon 2010.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.