Today is Царевич’s birthday party, so the Czar will be tied up most of the day. For some reason, that rope escape trick entertains the kids. With that, the Czar thought he should go through his backlog of reader mail.

MC, who has been unearthing something massive and unmentionable in the Paraguayan jungles for us, writes in with this malaria-induced screed:

Mighty and indulgent Czar, whose electrons I am not fit to waste with this transmission, I humbly bring your attention to this declassified union manual I stumbled upon:

(excerpts from last few pages)

“Demand written orders.”
“‘Misunderstand’ orders. Ask endless questions or engage in long correspondence about such orders. Quibble over them when you can.”
“In making work assignments, always sign out the unimportant jobs first. See than the important jobs are assigned to inefficient workers….”
“Insist on perfect work in relatively unimportant products….”
“…be pleasant to inefficient workers; give them undeserved promotions. Discriminate against efficient workers; complain unjustly about their work.”
“Hold conferences when there is more critical work to be done.”
“Multiply paperwork in plausible ways. Create duplicate files.”
“Multiply the procedures and clearances involved….”
“See that three people have to approve everything where one would do.”
“Apply regulations to the last letter.”
“Be as irritable and quarrelsome as possible without getting yourself into trouble.”

Oh, wait, that’s a sabotage manual. Eh, same freakin’ difference.

Operative JS intentionally misspells our name to say:

Dear Tsar,

I liked your recent post on spelling and the ENglish language. I was confused by your line “Thousands of solutions exist to eliminating illiteracy”, and then I realized my own illitteracy. Hmm. Thats to close to home.

I agree 100% that we must not ‘dum down’ the English language. I went to a private school that exceled in English instruction, and I pride myself on my language ability. I hope and pray that others take their mother tongue, or lingua franca, as seriously.

We must not compromise for the sake of those that cannot spell correctly or speak right.

Sincerly,

Operative JS

Well, yeah, despite your bordeline spelling issues, you are exactly right. And oddly, the protestors have an ironic inkling as to why you are correct: proper spelling facilitates communications, and communications have been a massively powerful tool for survival of the species. If you cannot communicate, or find a way to inter-communicate, you are personally doomed in this society. Hey, 6,000 years ago, if Thag could not make fire, Thag starve to death. Thag not form protest to make start fire easier.

Thag, if you are reading this, the Czar apologizes for making fun of the way you talk. It was intended for humorous effect and to prove a point. The Czar knows that thanks to GorT, you know have a laptop with wireless internet connection.

Point is, if you know spelling is essential to (economic) survival, you master it. You do not waste time and resources wringing your hands pointlessly. No one is going to spell for you. Hell, ‘Puter can spell, for crying out loud.

In your case, JS, we have been spiking your food supply with lead.

Royal Surgeon Dr. J asks:

History of the English Language, Aerospace Engineering, Law, Government Contracts, Time Travel, is there anything the Gormo’s don’t know?

Hah. You left out a ton of stuff. That we know, that is. Chemistry, biology, physics, art, philosophy, linguistics, history, political science, economics, scrapbooking, graphic design, gun repair, husbandry, and more. And on top of it, each of us has specializations in pop culture, theology, and technology.

Oh, and each of us can cook like a mofo. The Czar, in particular, can grill massively elaborate and exotic meals on either gas or charcoal. The Vogi, too, we think. The Mandarin? Absolutely brilliant with sauces and soups. He even knows how to do that split bowl thing where you have one type of soup on one side of the bowl, and another totally different soup on the other half. Genius. ‘Puter has some rare and beautiful talents in the kitchen as well, and GorT is, as you know, a compact convection/microwave oven.

There are, to your point, some things we do not know. Two spring to mind. The first is royal surgery, which is what keeps Dr. J in our good graces (although we are nevertheless gifted in basic medicine, anatomy, and physiology, we do not cut open human bodies with any interest in saving people; hence the good doctor).

The second is riding a tandem bicycle. The Mandarin periodically works on some theories, and we understand work is progressing, but none of us are willing to get two on a bike to test them. So these ingenious theories involving conservation of angular momentum languish untested.

So, Gormos, what are some things you personally wish you knew more about?