Re: Rubbing Sweaty Horny Tubes
Really, this post responds to the Czar’s thoughts on soccer, though ‘Puter is pleased to have one-upped Czar in homoerotic hit-generating post titles.
First, baseball sucks out loud. On this, there can be no argument.
Second, the World Cup is the best sporting event offered anywhere in the world today. Sure, ‘Puter loves the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament (a.k.a. March Madness). Also, NHL playoffs are immensely entertaining, especially when the Capitals crap out in the first round. But the World Series is like watching the Dukes of Hazzard with Coy and Vance, rather than Bo and Luke. The Series which now stretches into mid-December or so, is a living reminder that baseball’s season is about five months too long. Baseball, like the aforementioned Dukes of Hazzard final seasons, should have ended long ago, and the only people who care about baseball (and the Dukes of Hazzard) anymore are lonely statisticians living in their mothers’ dank basement.
Third, Czar does not like to brag, but vuvuzelas were his brainchild, created to induce madness among all who can hear their 127 decibel siren song. ‘Puter recommended sending them to tourists visiting Congress’ gallery, so average folks could heckle our craptacular elected officials as they vote to enrich themsleves and their contributors at the expense of everyone else. Czar thought that might be too cruel, even for Congress.
In sum: (1) soccer good; (2) baseball bad; (3) vuvuzelas = evil Czarist ploy.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.