‘Puter’s Neighborhood Fauna
Here are a few of the birds ‘Puter has seen at his backyard feeder in the past two days: rose breasted grosbeak; goldfinch; starling; white breasted nuthatch; mourning dove; hairy woodpecker; downy woodpecker; mallard; red winged blackbird; American crow; black capped chickadee; common sparrow; yellow bellied sapsucker; American robin; red tailed hawk (surveying its dinner); etc. And ‘Puter only occasionally looks out his rear windows to check on his spawn or the hot neighbor lady next door. There’s probably scads more sorts of birds he’s missed.
‘Puter sees three deer regularly traipsing through his backyard, along with the coyotes he can hear hunting at night. An eerie sound, that. ‘Puter also has fox, rabbit, groundhogs and squirrel (red and gray). And just down the road about one-half mile, there’s a flock of wild turkey. Black bear have been sighted within 10 miles of ‘Puter’s Upstate suburban bunker.
So, the next time some hippie tells you America’s urban sprawl is destroying its wildlife, gut boot him or her while screaming suburbia is the best thing that ever happened to American wildlife.
The Mandarin gives this message two gut-boots up. Way up.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.