Evidently, not all of you realize that you can actually come tour our Castle! There is so much to do and see here that you might not want to leave! And if you go wandering through our basement, frankly, you might not get to leave.

That said, you can always stay at the Castle: we have almost a hundred guest rooms with a fairly comfortable bed, working baths, and roach-free drawers for your stuff; you won’t even need to unpack—Dat Ho will rifle through your stuff as soon as you check in.

Then come on down to the first floor lobby, where you can tour our gift shop, grab an awesome drink from our well-stocked lounge bar, and even get a bite to eat. We have a lot of choices from our lounge menu representing different places we came from.

For example, get a real Wrigley Field hot dog! It’s $9, filled with salt, and served on a bun that looks like it got sat on. Or grab a cheddar brat with apple butter. Freshly fried in lard, it is a true Wisconsin fave. Like Muscovy? Be sure to get a plate of жмулшлинскы, dripping with fresh здравск roe, served on a garlic плошенц. And if you do, relax: the toilet in your room can handle it. They’s all been ‘Puterized for your safety.

Looking for fine dining? The Castle has a couple of choices beyond our lounge. The second floor features Le Pare Brise, where fine linens and candles relax you among our superb wine collection—GorT can pretty much get you anything for a few bucks, including a Claudian Vino Romae LVII up to a ɕʝʤɚɝɞʑøʂ E849.4D. And then sit back as our head chef prepares you a chateaubriand steak, a saumon au miel et sauce à la moutarde, or a porc aux pommes et la marinade saumure. Possibly, you might get Sleestak handing you a plate of partially chewed fruit chunks and dried pellets. Chef takes a few nights off a week, so we get the guy with claws for hands to cover for him.

More casual dining can also be found on the second floor. Come visit our cafetorium, where you might catch one of us eating. Inexpensive and decently textured foods surround the central seating court. You can find our cafetorium right by the bathrooms, in which you might also find ‘Puter sitting in his underwear on the cold tile floor, eating pizza from the day before. Suggestion: no kids, especially girls, should ever see this.

You are not allowed on the third through fifth floors. Those are Volgi’s. We say no more. Hint: you could get eaten by a yeti.

A lot of museum piece stuff is around on every floor (see the very axe the Czar of Muscovy used on False Pope Theodolorus, or the Street Glow lights from the Mandarin’s palanquin, or the other two fingers from Mordecai Brown) or swing on by our playroom to see what GorT is showing on Ultra-Deep-Color Hyper-Ray. You haven’t seen Casablanca until you see it in quadrillions of colors. Or pop up to the roof and try your hand at our exowatt laser cannon. Nothing says “Having a great time” like carving that on your friends’ lawns from hundreds of miles away!

Apparently we have a work-out room with sauna and spa tub, but none of us have a clue where it is. Hopefully not the basement. You probably ought not go looking for it down there. And there is, of course, the thornbush maze in back; a knowledge of multi-dimensions physics is recommended, as a lot of folks wander into the tesseract and turn up in all sorts of odd places and centuries. We kid, of course! You could easily wind up in an even century.

For thrills, check out our recently added hippodrome. And did you know we have a bestiary on the grounds? Yeah, you can only freaking imagine what’s in that.

This hardly scratches the surface (or the inside of one of our booby traps)! Check in with our mummy butler for the complete visitor’s guide!

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.