‘Puter’s liberal, nominally Catholic friends are at it again. Today, they pointed ‘Puter to this petition requesting Sean Cardinal O’Malley, prelate of the Archdiocese of Boston, reinstate the child of two lesbians to Catholic school. ‘Puter’s friends claim the Catholic Church is insisting on an unfair (liberals love that word) “orthodoxy” test.
‘Puter asked whether his friends’ position is that the Catholic Church is not permitted to enforce its belief system within its own schools. ‘Puter expects the usual response. He’ll be labeled a hater, roundly castigated and denounced. ‘Puter friends will then have demonstrated their moral superiority once again, moseying off to find some new problem with the Church.
Meanwhile, ‘Puter’s got the following thoughts:
1. If you do not believe in the teachings of a church, why would you want your children to be educated in that church? There are public schools that have to take your kid, and private schools that are happy to take your money. Insisting Catholic schools accept your practicing homosexuality is akin to insisting a yeshiva accept Christ as their savior. Or insisting NARAL back a partial birth abortion ban. Or that the NRA accept firearms bans.
2. Does no one recall the Catholic doctrine of fraternal correction, an obligation of believing Catholics and an act of charity? Catholics have a duty to loving correct the sinful behavior of fellow Catholics, and the correction continues on a sliding scale through excommunication. Is the non-acceptance of the child of lesbians anything other than a fraternal correction?
Time will tell, but ‘Puter bets the Archdiocese makes a Faustian bargain, trading the long term benefit of strengthening the faith of the community of believers for the short term acceptance and accolades when it reverses the school’s (correct) decision.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.