‘Puter’s been a bit miffed lately at the striking inability of supposedly well-educated individuals to form a quality argument. Here’s a few rules of thumb ‘Puter uses when arguing a point. Take these as you will.
1. Don’t present opinion as fact. The fervency with which you hold an opinion does not magically convert such opinion to fact. Don’t pretend it does.
2. Acknowledge fact as fact and move on, even if the fact hurts your argument. Arguing a fact makes you look like a moron.
3. Avoid ad hominem attacks. If you resort to them, you’re losing badly or have already lost.
4. Assume good faith on the part of your opponent until it’s apparent he’s not arguing in good faith. You’ll know when someone’s not arguing in good faith. Usually, it’s when your opponent resorts to one of the weak tricks ‘Puter lists in 1 through 3 above.
5. Consider for a moment that you just may be wrong and conduct yourself accordingly. Just because you’re well-educated, good looking and/or well off does not mean you’re correct in your positions.
6. Know what your preferred outcome is prior to entering an argument. Once you achieve that result, stop arguing. You’ve done what you’d set out to do.
7. Above all, be civil. There’s far to much incivility today. Don’t add to it.
Feel free to drop ‘Puter a line and send him your thoughts on the topic.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.