‘Puter’s got some typically politically incorrect thoughts for your perusal today. Feel free to use them as discussion starters (or, as Czar calls them, “fighting words”) with people you meet on the street today.
1. It is not wrong (read “racist”) to focus U.S. security efforts on Muslim males aged 16-50 because those are the folks who are primarily responsible for modern terrorism.
2. Greece is doomed to bankruptcy, no matter the E.U.’s bailout plans, because as a people they refuse to take personal responsibility for themselves, depending instead on government largesse and taxes on “others.”
3. Portugal, Spain, Italy and Ireland are not far behind Greece. Nor, for that matter, are California and New York.
4. Drilling for oil on the seabed is a risky business that will at times cause leaks/spills that sully the environment. Being dependent on Middle Eastern oil is a worse alternative.
5. “Green” energy is not. Further green energy has no hopes of supplying even a meaningful fraction of America’s energy needs in even the middle term future (15-25 years). Nuclear power is our best current option, and we should act like it, building new plants and transmission wires, and cutting red tape preventing such.
6. Building a fence along the American-Mexican border is not racist. It is prudent. We don’t need a fence with Canada (yet) because (1) Canadian illegal immigration is not a problem and (2) Canada is a first world country.
Please send all your responsive emails to Czar. Also, refer to Czar frequently as “Sugar Knees.” He loves that.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.