New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo is campaigning for higher office on your dime. Mr. Cuomo is investigating eight banks for what he considers to be shenanigans related to the financial sector meltdown.
A few thoughts from ‘Puter.
1. Mr. Cuomo follows former governor (and attorney general) Eliot Spitzer in this. Mr. Spitzer used a personal vendetta against AIG and Hank Greenberg to advance his gubernatorial chances. Interestingly, after Mr. Spitzer drummed Mr. Greenberg out of AIG, AIG spiraled to its death. Correlation does not always equal causation, but it’s a fun game to play anyway.
2. It is singularly ironic that Mr. Cuomo is taking on Wall Street and its mortgage backed securities debacle. Why? Because as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Mr. Cuomo championed banks making crappy mortgages to uncreditworthy borrowers.
3. Someone’s already looking into the allegations, Mr. Cuomo. Maybe you’ve heard of them. They’re called the United States Attorney for the Southern District of New York and the Securities and Exchange Commission. They’ve probably got the bases covered. There’s no reason for Mr. Cuomo to be involved except for self-aggrandizement at taxpayer expense. And, this being New York, self-aggrandizement at taxpayer expense is the official sport.
A vote for Andrew Cuomo is a vote to continue business as usual in New York. Unfortunately for ‘Puter, and for all New Yorkers as well, Mr. Cuomo is likely to be our next governor.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.