In our ongoing effort to remind the world that the mainstream media is populated by functionally stupid dolts, here is a quick round up of news from today:

Autopsy: SeaWorld trainer died from drowning, traumatic injuries. Yes, because when a killer whale clomps on your chest and forces you down to the bottom of a deep pool, the questions arises, “Could death by electrocution be a possibility?”

Unemployment to stay ‘unacceptably high’ – Geithner That’s a pretty tall order.

Condom use by poor ‘attractive’: Archbishop. Wow. And the Czar thought ‘Puter’s taste in video was unnerving.

ED Workers Hardest Hit by H1N1 Influenza And remember: ED is now covered by the new Healthcare law. Not sure why Cialis manufacturers are so prone to the flu, though.

India Begins Census of 1.2 Billion People Sounds like they’s already done.

And last but not least…

Will Sandra Leave Jesse? Dear news media. The Czar cannot express how little America cares about this. Perhaps if you struck the names Sandra and Jesse with the words Iran and Planet Earth, we might care more.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.