Know and hear all ye who quake and tremble in terror before the Czar of Muscovy that indeed we enter the hockey playoff season. And, as last year, the Czar is delighted to the point of forcing undesirables to march to the tundra! For both the mighty Chicago Blackhawks and the ferociously lethal Washington Capitals are in and potentially headed for a direct clash.
Therefore, be it known by all, that the Czar hereby announces the terms of the Wager against Ghettoputer and GorTechie. For the record, the Czar thinks the Caps are probably unbeatable by this point, but…
In the event the Blackhawks lose out prior to the Capitals, the Czar is prepared to send:
To Puter, a complete Hello Kitty kitchen appliance set, a case of Hunts Manwich sloppy joe sauce (which should last him about four hours), and a sampler box from the Czars trained beard lice circus. Use them well.
To GorT, a Betamax version of Heidi (the only film known to produce a weepy tear from that great, singular, weaponized eye of his), a Ponyo action figure set, a roll of fiberglass mesh, hoping that he does not eat it all at once, and a desktop-sized trebuchet, which probably will not include the Mandarins 15-year-old great-grand-nephew, although we will see what we can do.
If the Capitals are out of the playoffs prior to the Hawks, the Czar awaits the Terms of Concession from each of the other two.
The Mandarin is required to Make his Own Wager and set his Own Terms and Conditions.
If the Blackhawks and Capitals should instead be forced to play each other, all Bets are Off, and all Parties reserve the right to renegotiate for even more amplified stakes.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.