D.T. writes in, evidently quivering in fear:

Oh Wise, Mighty, and Enlightened Czar, who has hopefully glossed over this boring greeting since I have sent more interesting ones in the past,

I bring you a report from the St. Patrick’s Day parade in New Haven, CT yesterday. It was a thoroughly wretched affair, not only because of the torrential rain and cold wind.

My God, Czar! The madness! First of all, for the first time in recorded history, they banned alcohol from the parade route. No booze? On Saint Patrick’s Day?

Second of all, there were people walking around dressed in orange, and they were not given an immediate Boot to the Gut™.

Finally, and most vexatious to me, was the treatment of the pushcart vendors. We arrived early, and watched as the local constabulary stopped 6 or 7 pushcarts, and manually searched through their inventory. Were they looking for the devil rum? No of course not. They were searching for a vendor who dared to stock – gasp! – toy guns. Verboten, it seems.

And no, they didn’t notice the irony when local police brigades paraded by in armored personnel carriers.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Quivering in Fear, I remain your loyal servant,

D.T.

Well, the Czar ruefully admits that as nasty as Chicago’s St. Patrick’s Day parades have been in days of yore, they were quite absent an armored personnel carrier. Something must be going right in New Haven, CT.

St. Pat’s is a day the Czar spends indoors with his decidedly non-Irish heritage. Of course, we Czars have a day devoted to drunken debauchery and systemic alcohol poisoning. It is called a weekday.

By inexplicable genetic coincidence, the Царица is one-third German, one-third Polish, one-third Irish, and one-third Italian. On days like Wednesday, she basically drink until one side threatens the other, while the other parts toast themselves into inaction.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.