Jenny, You Ignorant Slut

With apologies to Jane Curtin, who is certainly far wiser than Ms. Jenny McCarthy. Heck, Czar’s chia sofa is brighter than Ms. McCarthy.

Why the attack on Ms. McCarthy (and by extension, her current man toy Jim Carrey)? As we’ve discussed here on numerous occasions, Ms. McCarthy is a strong advocate of the colossally stupid, anti-science, dangerous “vaccination made my baby get autism” theory. She’s been on a one-woman crusade to convince parents to refuse vaccinations for their kids. The Gormogons, firm believers in science (see, e.g., vaccination, climate change/global warming), have called Ms. McCarthy out for her benighted Luddism.

Well, yesterday, the federal vaccine court ruled in three separate opinions written by three separate special masters that there is no scientific link between thimerosal (mercury-based vaccine preservative) and autism. ‘Puter’s certain Ms. McCarthy will come up with some new reason why vaccines are evil, but the new reason will be every bit as implausible as her last.

The Gormogons have sympathy for parents’ searching for the cause of their children’s autism. However, our sympathy does not extend to suffering those who deny science. ‘Puter’s looking at you, Creationists.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.