Every once in a while we get some traveling salesmen arrive at the Castle.  We know they’re coming, trust us.  So we watch as they approach when we’re bored.  They pause before the moat, gather themselves and strut across the drawbridge.  We suppose that it must be daunting facing a 20′ door adorned with various arcane symbols and a big bell pull (don’t ask, ‘Puter likes it, he often ding-dong ditches us…although then he finds himself outside in the cold for quite a while after the Mandarin or I engage the self-changing locks).  Anyway, back on point: there are a variety of salesmen that approach us.  Some have worthwhile  paraphernalia and are welcomed in to sit by the fire and discuss their wares.  Others, however, have nothing but plastic trinkets and chotchkies.  Their materials are weak and lack substance and value.  Unfortunately for them, the ‘Puter and Czar generally deem them to be, shall we say, “of useful entertainment value”.  After a round of verbal abuse in sixteen languages (including Egyptian hieroglyphs) by the Volgi, the poor souls are subjected to endless haranguing by the Czar as the ‘Puter empties the cauldrons from the heights of the Castle walls.   Don’t ask what’s in the cauldrons, you don’t want to know – heck, we don’t want to know.  This generally gets the target visitor to begin fleeing the premises.  As mentioned before, ‘Puter does like his grenade fishing and he thouroughly enjoys it when he can soak nearby fleeing pedestrians with moat water and fish fragments.  Mmm. Smells like Long John Silvers.   So a quick note to those peddling their wares at the Castle – make sure you bring your A game, otherwise, I’d recommend foul weather gear.

GorT

GorT is an eight-foot-tall robot from the 51ˢᵗ Century who routinely time-travels to steal expensive technology from the future and return it to the past for retroinvention. The profits from this pay all the Gormogons’ bills, including subsidizing this website. Some of the products he has introduced from the future include oven mitts, the Guinness widget, Oxy-Clean, and Dr. Pepper. Due to his immense cybernetic brain, GorT is able to produce a post in 0.023 seconds and research it in even less time. Only ’Puter spends less time on research. GorT speaks entirely in zeros and ones, but occasionally throws in a ڭ to annoy the Volgi. He is a massive proponent of science, technology, and energy development, and enjoys nothing more than taking the Czar’s more interesting scientific theories, going into the past, publishing them as his own, and then returning to take credit for them. He is the only Gormogon who is capable of doing math. Possessed of incredible strength, he understands the awesome responsibility that follows and only uses it to hurt people.