‘Puter’s going to do it. He’s reaching out to touch the third rail of politics: Social Security. Here goes.

Social Security is bankrupting the United States. Our promises made significantly outstrip our ability to pay. Instead of pretending the problem doesn’t exist, Washington needs to man up and deal with it. ‘Puter’s got a proposal.

First, let’s start calling Social Security by its real name: Old Age, Survivors and Disability Insurance (“OASDI”). You may recognize OASDI from such places as your pay stub, wondering what the heck OASDI was and why you were being charged for it. ‘Puter would hammer home the “Insurance” portion of OASDI. Social Security/OASDI is an insurance program for our quasi-elderly, ensuring no one starves to death on the street. It was never intended to be a substitute for sensible retirement savings.

Given that Social Security/OASDI is an insurance program, it is logical that it be means tested. That is, if you can provide yourself a comfortable, non-starvation based retirement (‘Puter’s looking at you public sector pension recipients), you get reduced benefits, or none at all. Put another way, if you don’t have an occurrence of an insurable event (i.e., you’re not destitute or nearly so), you can’t collect. Just be happy you’re well off enough not to need the anti-starvation program.

‘Puter can already hear the plaintive cries of Republicans (“I paid in for years and now I can’t get my money, dammit!) and union members (“I paid in and just because I have gold plated retired benefits, I get nothing, dammit!”). It’s just not fair, consarnit! Stop whining. It is fair. Think of OASDI as auto insurance. You pay in for years, and may never use it. But, if you need it, it’s there.

‘Puter would determine the median income level of current retirees receiving Social Security/OASDI benefits as a baseline, and adjust the income threshold from there based upon political considerations, but hopefully treating that level as either a cap, or the starting point for a benefit phaseout. For all Americans not currently retired, ‘Puter would immediately start the means testing. For current retired Social Security/OASDI recipients, ‘Puter would have a 5 year phase in of the means testing, so retirees could adjust their expectations accordingly, or die.

Second, raise the retirement age. When Social Security/OASDI was enacted, the retirement age was above the average life expectancy. Now, the retirement age is significantly below the average life expectancy. The retirement age needs to be raised, and the concept of early retirement phased out altogether. ‘Puter would immediately raise the retirement age to 70 for all Americans under 50. He’d eliminate the early retirement option for everyone who is not currently retired. ‘Puter would require reexamination of the retirement age every 10 years thereafter and adjust as needed to promote fairness and maintain solvency.

‘Puter awaits his Congressional Budget Office score.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.