This kind of weird news is right up the Mandarin’s alley. Gormogon operative GD has taken time off his turbulator project to point us to a twisted story that the city of Tracy, California, is going to start charging residents for calling 911. Allegedly, if you call 911 there, you get hit with a bill for $300.

This has to be a hoax, the Czar decided. So he checked with the City of Tracy’s local news periodical.

Guess what! It is pretty much true.

Here are the facts. The city is short $9 million dollars this year. Sounds like California; Muscovy has a balanced budget again this year, but no doubt Tracy racks up some bizarre expenses being out on the Left Coast.

To help defray costs, residents will pay $300 each time the fire department rolls a truck out with an ambulance to a medical call. Police calls, fire calls, and road accidents remain free. If you are a non-resident, by the by, the fee is $400.

ADPI-Intermedix, based in Oakland, is a third-party agency who tracks the calls and incidents and generates the bill on behalf of the City of Tracy, pocketing $45 of the $300. An alternative on the table is a $48 annual fee for residents to eliminate the cost. Of course, that means you pay whether or not you dial 911 or not. Wanna bet which route they take on that?

The process has not yet kicked in; schedule your medical calls now. As one councilwoman put it, if you feel you might be having a heart attack, set your house on fire then call 911.

Ah, California.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.