Circling the Drain. Literally.
You know, cemetaries are not very green, what with dumping bodies all over the place and filling them with noxious poisons like formaldehyde and sodium benzoate (as a preservative).
So here’s a toast to cremation, which…well…pollutes the air.
What’s a greenie to do? You can’t leave your dead dudes hanging around the place, either. So once again, science to the rescue. Alkaline hydrolysis is the new, eco-friendly way to dispose of the dead.
In a meaningful, respectful way, technicians jam your corpse into a steel tissue digestion cylinder and pump it full of lye, boiling heat, and deep pressure to reduce your earthly remains into a brown goo that they pour right down the drain. You can already hear the strains of taps playing in the distance.
When the grandkids want to come visit you, dad drops them down the sewer and hands them a flashlight and a stick to beat the rats away. “Look around, down there,” he says, “Pappy and Nanna are probably still caught in the clean out.”
Or imagine spending a portion of the afterlife caught in some processing facility’s P-trap. “Hey,” your spectral shade cries out from another dimension, “I found mom’s wedding ring!”
And that would be your voice, calling from beyond the grave. Or, more accurately, beyond the stopper. Now, allegedly, the green folks love this idea because you are not leeching toxins into the soil or putting more carbon in the air. They find this a marvelous alternative, even it you wind up taking care of Uncle Ed like ‘Puter takes care of his motor oil when no one is looking.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.