Hail Czar of Muscovy,

Please pardon my brevity (though as the Czar’s favorite columnist has oft remarked, brevity is the soul of wit and essence of lingerie).* It occurs to your humble correspondent that the failure of the Democrats to hold onto a Senate seat in Massachusetts is not entirely the fault of Marcia, I mean Martha Coakley. (Really, who can blame Patches for the mistake – it’s not like he’s really needed to know their names before). The fault properly lays at the feet of the individual who delayed the election to what amounted to the worst possible moment for the Democrats. That would be Edward M. Kennedy. If only he stepped down when he was diagnosed. To stay on with a malignant brain tumor is not courageous as the partisans say. It’s a crushing hubris that ended up costing the Democrats that seat and in all likelihood the signature accomplishment Teddy chased almost as eagerly as waitresses with my soon to be former senator Chris “Lame Duck” Dodd. Irony is lovely is it not?

I go into more detail at my shop of horrors.

I’ve been a trifle remiss of late. The supply of vampires has nearly vanished. Between the latest Twilight film it seems they have gone into hiding rather than being mocked mercilessly. I have an excess of wolfmen if you have a use for them at Castle Gormogon. Also I have a line on the Giant Squid our Volgi has requested. It shouldn’t be more than a week before he has it.
All the best,
– Joe

The Czar understands only half of what Joe says, but the Volgi remarked on something very similar earlier this morning—that Senator Kennedy may posthumously be the one who killed healthcare reform. We can talk irony all day. But the Czar? He would rather dance!
* The Czar’s favorite columnist is “Goofus & Gallant” in the 1960s Highlights magazine. He would often picture Goofus shoving Gallant against a wall and having a platoon of riflemen… anyway, you get the idea.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.