Fire Up The Old Atari For Sum Carnage, H4X0Rs!
The holidays draw near, and our gift shop is overflowing with imminent cease and desist letters! You know your kids would rather play video games than go to church, right? Well, why not reward that behavior by purchasing the latest Big G titles for Xbox 360, Wii, and PS3 (sorry, ColecoVision!). Collect all 5!
 | Scream and shout, vidbois, with Czar’s Rage 10! You play the Czar of Muscovy as he takes on enemies of his own state, from teeming hordes of journalists, young earth creationists, and Hollywood celebrities. The adventure begins in Muscovy, within which you can explore the streets and shops and homes, or springboard from there to any of seventeen levels—ranging from Copenhagen to Beverly Hills! As you complete levels, you can unlock new costumes, convert folks to okhrana (a very useful asset) who will help fend off baby boomers, and use a variety of weapons that include bearded full axe, meat cleavers, halberds, .40 caliber semiautomatics, and more! Enter in the secret code пиранья to obtain more health! |
 | Make the Earth stand still with Gort 10. You play everybody‘s favorite time-traveling robot as you wage war across five thousand years. Your mission begins in the 51st Century, where you are sent back to the early 21st Century to uncover what the hell destroyed mankind and turned us into savages for the next 1500 years. Along the way, you will fight environmentalists, hippies, potheads, clueless bureaucrats and financially inept Congressmen with a variety of weapons including Eye Beam, Puterizer, Dremel Rotary Tool, and more! Grab humans along the way and upgrade them with new technology. If any survive that process, they will serve your bidding. Learn to teleport away or into danger, and never be afraid to look around to see what technologies can be combined into new weapons! Enter the secret code 6e696b746f to unlock x-ray vision. |
 | The world is your plaything in Mandarin 10. Starting out in the lab, you need to fight off property tax collectors, gun control nuts, and unruly teenagers in order to construct your weaponry and tools! Use the orbital macro-maser cannon, the freeze ray, or simply boot them in the gut! You can choose two secret projects—the weather control machine or the moon melter—to blackmail governments into giving your more funding and more followers. Convert followers into genetic freaks to aide you with super strength, or just use your platoon of marmosets and mind control rays. Anything is possible, and indeed terrible, when you are the Mandarin. Enter the secret code Hg(OAC)2H20+THF→NaBH4 to unlock megaepinephrine and make your freakish horde unstoppable! |
 | Why so serious? ‘PuterFest 10 is the long-awaited sequel to ‘PuterFest 1964. Here, you are the Ghettoputer, and your mission is to smash and stomp everything that annoys you! Fortunately for you, there’s a lot of that to do here: union civil servants, union stewards, teachers union reps, and frivolous lawsuiters pour out to attack you. Use your powerful jalapeño pizza power, brute strength, and punt gun to take them down. Complete the first three union-busting levels without damage and you unlock ‘Puter’s .357 MachToilet, which will accelerate you around forty glorious levels of Upstate New York. Enter the secret code |
 | Imagine the Dark Emperor of the Hell of Jade Merchants has returned to earth to enslave mankind with the forbidden liao drug and his Dragon Elemental. Live the fantasy in Sorcery Duel 10! You are the Volgi, and you must use your mastery of the Antient Magic Œcumenical to summon a ferocious legion of Yeti to combat him. Your weapons naturally include the T’ai Wind of Fuxi, the 10,000 Li Fire, the Hsiao of Fetid Crossings, and the Shrimp in Lobster Sauce. Use your mastery of transfiguration, astral flight, and languages with fewer than eighteen speakers to battle the Dark Emperor and his hordes of hippies, dilettantes, and ivory tower academics. Enter in the secret code ѣѧѩѫѭѯѱѳѵѹѻѿ to unlock a fairly decent yet reasonably affordable tawny port. |
Complete all five adventures, and you can unlock all five of the main characters for the ultimate in online play. Broadband internet connection required (sorry, ‘Puter!).
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.