It’s time to be honest America.

The Czar is not talking about you, or you, or even you; the Czar is talking to the entire country here. Americans are brutally honest when it comes down to it, and well, it’s come down to it. Admit it. Barack Obama and his whole Hope and Change message is a fizzling dud, and you know it.

The buyer’s remorse is pungently evident, and we have been pretending otherwise. No, not the liberals or loyalists or leftists—they are a long way from dispelling the collective cognitive dissonance that allows them to spin story after story into tangible weirdness. Remember how, in winter, something would screw up and the President would admit it? Then, in spring, it turned into a game of what they meant to say, so it was not really an error but a minor gaffe. By summer, it became a case of the President doing good, really, but the press simply misreported the facts. Then, in fall, there was racism behind it, a secret conservative conspiracy, and even a fake news organization carrying out a smear campaign. The President expands his circle of blame until, by this time next year, the entire Universe will be out to get him. Oy! Even then, the dissonance will continue unabated, of course.

No, forget those people. The Czar means the moderates who actually elected Obama president. You voted for him because it seemed hip, because Hollywood thought it would be dope and whack, or because he just seemed so kewl when he would smile, wink, and point like a game show host trying to play the part of the hipster. Or you voted for him because Saturday Night Live convinced you that Palin talked funny, or because—ahem—you thought McCain was a bit too liberal. Nice call.

Do not deny it. The polls—and these days, no matter who conducts them!—seem to agree that on matters like the economy, taxes, foreign policy, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the environment, gay marriage, healthcare, and frankly everything else, you are dreadfully sorry you didn’t pay closer attention to what many people were saying at the time.

On the other hand, his approval rating remains depressingly low, but shows that slightly more than half of Americans like his looks, his wife, his adorable daughters, and that scampy rascal of a dog. The guy? Yeah, Obama’s still a guy you’d like as a neighbor. But as a President? Well, sit there in uncomfortable silence all you like, but the reality of these polls and surveys is quite clear.

Admit it. Barack Obama and his whole Hope and Change message is a fizzling dud, and you know it.You made a bad mistake.

You know what that 54% popularity rating really is? You’re like the guy you know who spent a crapload of money on some infomercialed home exercise system that he prominently displayed in his living room. He used it every day, never mentioning the price or how hard it was to use. Four months later, it got moved to the garage. Now, it sits in the corner of the basement, laundry hanging on it, and half of it disassembled. “What’s the matter, Tom, don’t you like it?” “No, no, it’s awesome. Best money could buy. Yeah, it was expensive, but totally worth it. A real investment. I just haven’t had the time. I’ll probably get to using it again next weekend.” Uh-huh. And there it is, eventually on the curb for the trash guy, with only three more years of payments to go on it. And Tom will never say a bad word about it, or how he got sold a load of crap from a slick dude on TV. And how he’ll never get that money back. To you, he’s that 54% approval rating. But to himself, seeing it once a month when he goes down to check the sump pump, he’s very much in those poll results. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

So here it is, America. You are, as we write this, electing Republican governors and conservative Congressmen with good margins. This is a good step to admitting your mistake. But next year is a big one. You can actually prevent another error: learn about the candidates. Pay attention to what people are saying. Look deeper into your politicians than watching an SNL skit. And vote.

Read what ‘Puter has to say about voting. The next time you see a photo of an honor guard saluting flag-draped coffins, tell yourself that you will definitely vote smart this time around. It really is what they died for.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.