Reader alert: Roman Catholic inside baseball. Skip this post if you must, but know that your immortal soul will surely burn in Hell should you so choose.

‘Puter attended his first Tridentine Mass this weekend. The Tridentine Rite was the form of the Mass celebrated from 1570 until 1962, with slight changes throughout that period. One could go to any Roman Catholic Church anywhere in the world and see the same Mass celebrated each week. Post-Vatican II the Tridentine Mass was essentially abandoned by most American (arch)dioceses. The Tridentine Mass may only be celebrated with express permission of the prelate of the relevant (arch)diocese.

In ‘Puter’s diocese, his leftist bishop shockingly granted permission for a Tridentine Mass to be celebrated weekly at a local parish. Of course, in a dig at supporters of the Rite, the parish is squarely in the middle of one of the most dangerous city neighborhoods, surely lowering attendance.

‘Puter’s thoughts on the Tridentine Mass, as opposed to the more “modern” mass in the vernacular?

The Tridentine Mass is significantly more worshipful, respectful and awe-inspiring than the modern vernacular Mass. The ritual is amazing, from the procession to the recessional. Attendees at ‘Puter’s Mass all wore, at a minimum, dress pants, dress shoes and collared shirts. Many women wore head coverings (shawls, predominantly). There is a historic connectedness apparent in the Mass, missing from today’s celebrations. There was no sung music at ‘Puter’s Mass, but the organist did play traditional chant melodies of various Mass parts at appropriate times (e.g., Agnus Dei). And ‘Puter received the Eucharist at an honest to goodness fully functioning Communion Rail. ‘Puter felt a member of the Holy Mother Church such as he has never felt before.

The Tridentine Mass also has downsides. Very few post-Vatican II born Catholics have any familiarity whatsoever with Latin, making it a hard sell, as the entire Mass (excluding the homily) is in Latin. The priest celebrates Mass facing the high altar (back to congregation), and is mostly inaudible for large portions of the Mass. ‘Puter had a difficult time, despite four years of Latin, following the Mass, even with his 1957 St. Joseph’s Missal (essentially a Mass playbook). There is very little congregation interaction during the Mass proper. It would be an absolute bear to keep modern kids interested and quiet during the Tridentine Mass.

The best part? No schlocky post-Vatican two crap music. No Sword in My Pants (Lord of the Dance) or One Bed, Two Bodies (One Bread, One Body). Or the substandard Prayer of St. Francis (Make Me A Channel For Your Piece). That alone makes a Tridentine Mass worth attending.

Overall impression? ‘Puter very much enjoyed the Tridentine Mass. He will likely attend another. ‘Puter finds the Tridentine Mass much more in keeping with his liking than the post Vatican II Mass. However, for convenience’s sake, ‘Puter will mostly attend Mass in the vernacular at his local parish.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.