puıɯ uı dəəʞ oʇ sƃuıɥʇ
˙ʇɥƃıɹ ɟləsɹnoʎ əʌoɹd oʇ qoɾ ɹnoʎ ʇnq ‘ƃuoɹʍ noʎ əʌoɹd oʇ qoɾ sıɥ s,ʇı ˙ʇɥƃıɹ sı sʇnu əɹ,noʎ noʎ ƃuılləʇ ʎnƃ ʇɐɥʇ əqʎɐɯ ʇɐɥʇ ɹəpısuoɔ oʇ pıɐɹɟɐ əq ʇ,uop ʇnq ˙ʇı oʇ ʞɔıʇs uəɥʇ puɐ ‘puıɯ uʍo ɹnoʎ dn əʞɐɯ sʎɐʍlɐ plnoɥs noʎ ʞuıɥʇ əʍ˙ɯıɥ oʇ uəʇsıl oʇ ƃuıllıʍ əɹɐ əldoəd əsoɥʇ uɐɥʇ ʍəıʌ ɟo sʇuıod əsoɥʇ oʇ uəʇsıl oʇ ƃuıllıʍ əɹoɯ ɹɐɟ sı ɹɐzɔ əɥʇ ‘ɥƃnoɥʇ ‘sı ʇɔɐɟ ˙əʞıl əɥʇ puɐ ‘ɥɔʇɐnbsɐs ‘sɹəɔnɐs ƃuıʎlɟ ‘ʎƃoloɹʇsɐ əʞıl əsuəsuou ɹoɟ uıɐpsıp ɥɔns sɐɥ əɥ əsnɐɔəq pəpuıɯ əsolɔ ƃuıəq ɟo pəsnɔɔɐ sı ɹɐzɔ əɥʇ səɯıʇəɯos
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.