By now we all know Gov. Sanford flew to Argentina on the taxpayers’ dime to “make sweet love down by the fire” to his latina lover. ‘Puter wonder to hisself whether the governor’s Argentine mistress is a “wise Latina,” but figures that’s a topic best left for others.
Query: could Gov. Sanford further demonstrate his absolute heartlessness toward his wronged wife, thereby destroying any chance at resurrecting his plummeting political career? Answer: Yes.
Gov. Sanford in interviews yesterday referred to his chippy as his “soul mate.” The governor went on to explain that his affair with the Argentine was a “love story.” Sanford also admitted to “crossing the line” with several other women not his wife. The governor, finally recognizing he still has a wife, generously decides to attempt “to fall back into love with his wife.” That’s mighty big of you, governor. For an encore, maybe you can publicly state that you’ll forgive your wife for forcing you into the affair because she put on a few pounds after having your kids.
Run, Mrs. Sanford. Run far away. Your husband left your marriage long ago, if he was ever there in the first instance.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.