It's All About The Kids - The Gormogons

Not really. It’s all about lining the union pockets, students be damned. Why is it so oppressive to require teachers to pick up a small portion of the tab for their gold-plated pensions? In New York, as mentioned earlier, state pensions are guaranteed by the state constitution. That is, taxpayers are required to make up any shortfall caused by market fluctuations or even flat-out mismanagement. The least the unions could do is pretend to be thankful.

But ‘Puter, they’ve worked hard and deserve a pension. How generous can the pension be? Decide for yourself..

In Tier 4 (the currently effective pension tier), teachers can retire at 55 years of age with 30 years of service. Teachers contribute 3 percent of earnings toward pensions for their first 10 years in the system. (N.B., one just has to be in the system for 10 years, not actively working. You can work for three years, take four off, and work for another three, only paying 3% for six years.) Assuming 30 years of service and 55 years of age, a teacher would receive 60 percent of the average of his highest three years of earnings. State tax free. And for each additional year worked, an additional 1.5 percent is added to your percentage multiplier. If you work until 65, you’d receive 75 percent of the average of your best three years. Additionally, retirees currently receive free health insurance in most districts, although this can be negotiated away. Still think ‘Puter’s a hater? How does your 401k stack up?

When New York collapses, hot on the heels of California (and perhaps New Jersey), be sure to thank your local politicians and the public sector unions. These NTACs (no talent ass clowns, for those who came in late) are almost solely to blame for the current state budget crises.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.