Adam and Steve (and Jack and Cindy and …)
Two gentlemen duped the New York City Clerk’s Office into marrying them. One of the pair posed as a woman, and the pair was then “married.”
Gay marriage. Guaranteed to start a fight. Let’s assume for argument’s sake that marriage is redefined such that marriage includes homosexual couples as well as heterosexual couples. Here’s ‘Puter’s concern with this redefining post-modernism steaming heap of dung. Once it becomes permissible to redefine a bedrock societal concept to include behavior inimicable to its meaning, one cannot prevent other groups from redefining it as they wish.
For example, gay marriage advocates state with certainty that if marriage is redefined to include homosexual pairings, this does not open to door to polygamous redefinition of marriage. ‘Puter does not see how gays can prevent polygamists from redefining marriage to include their definition of love; the arguments are the same. We’re consenting adults, and it’s a human rights violation to prevent society from treating our love the same as heterosexual love. So let me marry four women, haters.
‘Puter believes that if the push for universal recognition of gay marriage succeeds, in ‘Puter’s lifetime he will see polygamous marriage legalized in the United States.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.