‘Puter’s favorite willfully ignorant WaPo columnist E.J. Dionne is at it again. In his column today, Mr. Dionne bemoans the fact that President Obama hasn’t pressed for passage of unnamed restrictive, and perhaps confiscatory, gun laws. Assuming for the moment that Mr. Dionne is operating in good faith in his column, ‘Puter offers the following polite responses.

1. Mr. Dionne states that the United States is single-handedly arming Mexican drug lords. False.

2. Lax gun laws caused the Columbine and other massacres. False. Two mentally unstable and suicidal teenagers caused the massacre.

3. Congress won’t pass gun restrictions because it’s afraid of the gun lobby. True, and with good reason. As Mr. Dionne admits, gun restrictions were so feared by at least 65 Democrats from conservative districts that these Dems threatened to jump ship, effectively killing any such legislation. These Dems know which way the wind is blowing in their districts.

4. The assault weapon ban is a good thing, and the distinction between a semiautomatic weapon and an automatic weapon is meaningless. False. The assault weapon ban is foolish because it has nothing to do with the functionality of weapons, only with appearance. It is at heart the big, scary-looking gun law. ‘Puter’s shotgun is far more dangerous than many guns banned under this poorly drafted law.

5. Police officers are outgunned by criminals. Maybe. But how is passing restrictive gun ownership laws going to stop criminals fromacquiring newly banned guns? Criminals by definition already don’t give a fig about laws in the first place.

6. People most affected by gun crimes (victims and their families) should get to write the laws covering guns without input from anyone else. OK, Mr. Dionne. ‘Puter will happily allow bleeding heart gun stealers to vitiate the Constitution out of their misplaced fears. In return ‘Puter asks only that people who pay income taxes get to write the tax code without input from anyone who doesn’t pay income taxes. Deal? Thought not.

7. More non-gun owning folks voted for President Obama 2008 than voted for Sen. Kerry in 2004; therefore, the switching voters must have voted solely on the basis of Obama’s position on guns. This logic is so incredibly flawed, ‘Puter need not respond. If Mr. Dionne needs explanation of his flawed “logic,” he may contact ‘Puter at the email address to the left. ‘Puter has a collection of crayons, blunt scissors and action figures ready to explain the staggering logical fallacies inherent in this statement if necessary.

People of good will can reasonably disagree on gun laws. However, the Second Amendment provides ‘Puter and all Americans a constitutional guarantee that their right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

To Mr. Dionne and his fellow travelers, ‘Puter offers the following advice. If you are truly serious in your (poorly thought out) position, amend the Constitution. That’s the only way to legally get the result you desire. Anything else is waste of your time and column inches.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.