God Is Pro-Choice - The Gormogons

‘Puter’s going to get a little theological here for a minute. Sitting at Mass with the ‘Puter family last evening, ‘Puter got to thinking about God and society. ‘Puter promises he won’t get all religious on you readers too often.

We often hear that serious practicing Catholics are less enlightened than liberal America because our Church forces us to accept unmodern positions on issues (see, e.g., abortion, women, etc.). It is claimed that Catholics are unfree to choose, locked in by a tyrannical hierarchy. And it bugs ‘Puter to be thought of as a unthinking adherent of an anachronistic faith. This is what started running through ‘Puter’s mind as it wandered from the soporific homilist.

After reflection, ‘Puter realized that nothing could be further from the truth (or Truth, for that matter). Catholics (and Christians generally) believe that God gave mankind free will, so that each person could choose for himself whether to follow Him or not. God did not and does not compel creation to believe in Him. The Catholic Church accepts man’s free will is a gift of God and a fundamental part of what being human is. Catholics, like everyone else, are free to accept or reject God as they see fit. Most practicing Catholics, including the tremendously flawed ‘Puter, have reviewed the teachings of the Church, weighed them carefully and determined for themselves to believe. You may think that ‘Puter is wrong in his beliefs, but ‘Puter freely chose them. These beliefs were in no manner imposed on ‘Puter by God or by man, and to say otherwise is an insult.

God set up system wherein man can choose for himself. And man is free to choose good or evil on his own. Therefore, God is the original pro-choice practitioner, in the best sense of the word.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.