Great Idea!
Like this won’t cause even more auto accidents. I’m sure teens and other idiot drivers will use this new technological “advance” safely and appropriately.
Jerk-monkeys.
[Can we just call this the Eddie Griffin Memorial Mobile Televideo Technology? —ŒV]
‘Puter has the perfect market-based solution for morons who phone/text/watch TV while driving, and then get into accidents. First, if you are in an accident, your cell phone records must be immediately released to the police, your insurer, and the insurer of the person you hit. If your cell phone showed activity at the time of the accident, it is a rebuttable presumption that you are 100% at fault for the accident. Additionally, if you were on the cell phone at the time of the accident, your insurer can exclude you from all coverage related to your physical or property injuries, but would still be required to reimburse the other person to the policy limits.
‘Puter’s genius policy allows government to say they’ve done something while actually loosening foolish insurance requirements, acknowledges grown-ups are free to make stupid choices (no nanny state here!) and holds the aforementioned stupids responsible for the consequences of their actions. A win-win-win if ever there was one.
This model works for smokers and health insurance as well. Smoked and got lung cancer? We’ll provide palliative care only. Should’ve saved some of the dough you spent on smokes over the last thirty years.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.