Press Conference Questions We’d Like to See (But Never Will)
Here’s a free one that’s been buzzing around in my head related to the Republic Windows sit-in wackiness. Now with groovy follow up questions!
“President Elect Obama, prominent Democrats from your hometown of Chicago support forcing Bank of America to pay Republic Windows’ alleged debt to unionized workers illegally occupying Republic Windows’ property, despite the fact that Bank of America has no liability to Republic Window’s workers. Do you support government intervention requiring lenders to pay the debts of their borrowers for which the lenders are in no way liable in order to achieve a government determined “social good?”
Free follow up questions if President Elect Obama answers in the affirmative: “Isn’t this a form of redistribution of wealth?” and “Why do you think banks will continue to lend to businesses under these arbitrary government imposed conditions?”
Tim Russert would’ve asked the question. When will one of his colleagues strap on a pair and start asking hard questions?
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.