This is the sort of stuff that drives the Czar flipping crazy. So if you see serfs being flipped all over the dacha, today, you’ll understand the Czar is crazy. Today is probably a good day to steer clear of the dacha.

As you know, the Czar thinks news editors are some of the biggest finks on earth. You can take the same news story, often verbatim in some cases, and discover very different information being done just in the headlines alone.

There exists a colony of aspen trees near Fish Lake, Utah, that is noteworthy for being genetically identical to each other, as if they were a single organism cloning itself over several thousand years. This colony has been named “Pando” (easy, ‘Puter) after the region of the park it’s in. Two Utah State University professors have noticed that some fencing erected around the colony to protect it from mule deer has gaps in it, due to trees falling over now and then and crushing the fence. As a result, the mule deer come in and ruin the trees as deer often do.

The professors are disappointed because a lot of money was spent on this fencing, and now, to protect the colony, it needs to be redone in many places.

But check out this evolution of headlines, starting with “humans kill everything nice” to “well, the story’s a bit more mundane than that.” Note also the sources, if you want to see bias in action.

• The Biggest Organism on Earth Is Dying, and It’s Our Fault—Gizmodo
• Human Activity Is Killing One of The Largest Organisms on The Planet—ScienceAlert
• One of the World’s Oldest and Largest Organisms Is Dying, and It’s Mostly Our Fault—Live Science
• Pando, the world’s largest organism is dying, study suggests—USA Today
• USU researchers find more fencing did not fully protect massive aspen colony—The Herald Journal

Of course you see the pattern. If you read the last link, you get the real story; if you don’t want to, here’s the Czar’s suggested headline: Mule Deer Damaging Exceptional Tree Colony Due to Fence Gaps.

If you’re an editor bent on progressive politics, here’s one for you: Stupid Humans Make Mistakes In Simple Fence Installation and Earth Will Burn As A Result!!!!!!!!!

Editors are mostly human, and as a result see what they want to see. But it would help to read the entire article, rather than quote-mining to find the most terrifying statement. And scientists, when speaking to the media, should think very carefully how their words will be twisted around and re-written for them.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.